"I got a bad feeling about this..."

The first critical reviews for The Fall of Skywalker are in, and... holy shit, man:

Now, here's the thing...

That screenshot was taken at about 6am EST. This was at least a day after STAR WARS Episode IX: The Fall of Skywalker had debuted to its full cinematic premiere. There was an embargo on all official reviews by the Devil Mouse until the major theatrical release, which is today, December 19th.

And when that embargo was lifted, the critical reviews for this movie clocked in at... 56%.

To understand why this is such a colossal disaster, consider the fact that the previous putrid stinkbomb in this saga from the Devil Mouse, The Last Jedi, is currently sitting at a 91% score on Rotten Tomatoes - but has an audience approval score of only 43% or so.

In other words, fans absolutely hated the movie, and the box office numbers certainly reflected that fact. But the critical coverage for it was fawningly positive, and that was basically because the critics loved the fact that the film was so utterly subversive of just about every expectation that fans had.

With this film, though, there is nothing left to subvert because Rian Johnson did such a thorough job of destroying everything good about the saga in the previous one.

All that J. J. Abrams can do is stick the landing here - and he can't do that because he is in fact VASTLY overrated as a director and writer.

Yes, he has done some cool stuff in the past - Cloverfield comes to mind. But virtually everything that he has done has been highly derivative and largely a pastiche of previous works, most of which were far superior to anything he managed to pull off.

And that is before we get to the fact that The Last Jedi painted this film into a corner with its profoundly stupid, ridiculous, and pointless plot.

There is literally nowhere for this film to go but down - except where critics scores are concerned on Rotten Tomatoes, obviously, because we know quite well that the site monkeys with its own ratings in order to prop up movies that the studios want to see perform well:

None of this changes the fact that the film started at a 56% rating - from critics, most of whom were presumably very friendly to the Devil Mouse and could normally be counted on to give even the smelliest turd shat out by them a positive review.

This indicates that the film is so bad, so gut-wrenchingly awful, so mindbendingly malodourous, as to make STAR WARS Episode I: The Phantom Menace look like a cinematic masterpiece by comparison.

Can I just remind you, by the way, that The Phantom Headcase involved podracing, endless exposition about trade disputes, all that Macguffining about midichlorians, and, as if all of that wasn't bad enough, JAKE FREAKIN' LLOYD as Anakin Skywalker?!?!


Midnight's Edge has a good breakdown of the ruinous plot of this appalling trainwreck of a film:

So, that's it, gents. It's all over. STAR WARS is dust. History. Done.

Hold on to the great memories of the original trilogy. Preserve the few moments of the prequels that were really great - including the final duel between Anakin and Ben Kenobi, which was - no two ways about it - EPIC. And enjoy the nostalgia trips that come from watching The Mandalorian - although if you're paying to watch it on DevilMouse+, you need to have your head examined.

The saga is dead. And good bloody riddance to it.


  1. Everyone's pointing this out, but I feel like it's easily explained. As you said, critics loved TLJ because it took a huge dump on the fans and was fully converged. The word is that this movie spends a lot of time retconning or undoing TLJ while also pandering to the fans, so of course the critics hate it. This film to them is basically what TLJ was to us.

    1. You retcon out TLJ by having Mara Jade wake up and walk into see Luke in the shower and say "thank God that was all a dream".

      Anything else is just gonna be bad.

    2. The word is that this movie spends a lot of time retconning or undoing TLJ while also pandering to the fans, so of course the critics hate it. This film to them is basically what TLJ was to us.

      That is an excellent point. It would explain why TROS has an 88% (!!!!!) fresh rating from viewers but only a 57% rating from critics on Rotten Tomatoes.

      I expect that score to go down significantly over time, as only a relatively small handful of viewers have seen this pile of horripilation so far. But in all honesty I am deeply cynical about STAR WARS fans in general - I used to be one of those hardcore fans myself. And I believe that there is no limit to the amount of abuse that many of them will endure from the stewards of their beloved franchise.

      Honestly, LucasFilm could produce a movie full of nothing but strobe lights, lens flares, and fart noises, and as long as there is a lightsaber flash in it and the classic STAR WARS opening screen scroll and theme in it, they'll SQUEEEEEE!!! and pay hundreds of millions of dollars to see it - even as they lament how it betrays the franchise and so on.

    3. You retcon out TLJ by having Mara Jade wake up and walk into see Luke in the shower

      And I've got just the right girl to play Mara Jade, too...

      I believe our resident Badger would approve, quite heartily.

    4. No kidding. Visually perfect. Would have made a great Mary Jane Watson, too.

      But I am betting on no acting ability. Then again, that didn't stop Daisy Ridley, amirite?

  2. No doubt even the soundtrack is derivative and undermines the genuine greatness of the first six scores.

  3. The Guardian gave it a 5 star review, so it must be pretty bad.

    1. Yep. Whatever the Guardianistas say is true, the opposite is so.

  4. Seems a lot of the negative reviews focus on the fact that this movie is basically fanservice for the sake of fanservice. In other words, just the same as TFA. But I guess that pisses off the media SO MUCH these days that they can't even shill for Disney like usual.
    I know JarJar Abrams is just trying to salvage the franchise, but we'll see if he's able to (I'm guessing not).

    1. Yeah, looks like it. That is the best explanation for the (once again) vast disparity between critic and viewer ratings.

      It is becoming very clear that, outside of a very narrow range of film genres, fans and critics can no longer coexist in the same reality. Movie critics need to be treated with utter contempt and outright hostility; their opinions are entirely worthless at this point.

    2. That's pretty much the same with every form of entertainment today. From art galleries to video games. I'm surprised you didn't cover Hideo Kojima's royal fuck up that was basically a FedEx simulation.

      As long as people keep falling for these types of movies, we will not reach peak degeneracy yet. Enjoy the decline.

    3. I'm surprised you didn't cover Hideo Kojima's royal fuck up that was basically a FedEx simulation.

      That's because I haven't played it. My Xbox is sitting in storage halfway around the world. To my immense sorrow.

      I actually haven't played any real video games in more than 18 months. And honestly I don't play much by way of new video games outside of my beloved HALO.

    4. Reach is on PC now! The time to teabag is upon you, Didact!

    5. Holy shit, you're right - they FINALLY released HALO: MCC + REACH on Steam...

      Happy days!

  5. I saw it last night. It’s decent, fun enjoyable. A little bit of cringe, but well paced (unlike its cockstain of a predecessor. )

    It’s far more like Ep 7. Not a classic for all time, but a good SW movie.

    I will say that having first watched chapter 7 of the mandalorian is slightly useful regarding one aspect of TROS. Be advised.

  6. Post Alley Crackpot21 December 2019 at 05:43


    Obviously the Dark Satanic Mouse thought they could go over the line and forget about the rules ...

    1. +20 Internetz to you sir for a Big Lebowski reference.


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