The supreme importance of growing the hell up
As I alluded to in my New Year's Day greeting, in order to be successful in your relationships, you have to become an adult. This is not exactly news to anyone here; most of the men who read this blog are, themselves, quite adult in their own ways and fields, and need no reminder whatsoever from me about the dire necessity of being a grown-up in an increasingly infantilised world.
This one is more for the younger guys, those ten years or more below my own age, who are just starting out in the world, and are wondering how the hell they are supposed to make any kind of sense of it all.
The fact is that life is a very cruel and harsh teacher. As Jim Caviezel states so eloquently in his role as Edmond Dantes in The Count of Monte Cristo (2002):
Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes.
Indeed. The manner in which you confront the storm will determine whether you are merely a child... or a man.
A child runs screaming away from reality, seeking refuge in the arms and soothing voice of a parent to make the pain go away. A child cannot confront reality, for it is too big and complicated and terrifying. A child will comfort itself by choosing lies over truth, and by refusing to accept personal responsibility for failure and loss. A child is inherently selfish, seeing its own needs and wants as the most important facets of its existence, and is largely (though not completely) incapable of viewing its situation dispassionately and looking to the future in a calm, rational manner.
What I have described above is the default reaction of most people these days to trauma and bad fortune. Most people lie to themselves repeatedly about who and what they are, and about how the world works. This is a highly self-destructive behaviour, but it is the default for anyone whose mental state is that of a child.
This is one of the key findings of one of the very, very few schools of thought within psychology that actually works to any degree whatsoever. That would be the "transactional analysis model" created by psychologist Eric Berme.
This model, which (unfortunately) was rooted in one of Sigmund
In visual form it looks something like this:
And conversations between people involve "strokes" (yeah, I know) which result in "transactions". Those transactions fall into various categories, with "complementary" transactions being the ones that convey maximum information with minimum friction, and "crossed" transactions resulting in misunderstandings, ill feelings, and conflict.
Whether you agree with this model or not - and I have some reservations about it, but I just don't know enough about psychology, either in general or with respect to this specific branch of it, to provide informed or useful commentary about its utility or lack thereof - the fact is that this approach has been heavily tested and studied by Dr. Berme and his students.
The basic idea behind Dr. Berme's theory is that most people spend their time in either a Parent or Child ego state. The Parent personality borrows heavily from what we learned from our actual parents, in their behaviour toward us. If we grew up with calm, loving, nurturing parents, then by and large we end up being calm, loving, and nurturing when confronted with a crying and angry woman or child. Similarly, if we grew up with highly rigid, controlling, overly logical, insensitive, and even brutal parents, we tend to fall back to those exact same patterns of behaviour under the stress of disagreement with a woman or child in our lives.
Many of us - far too many - live our lives stuck in the Child pattern. These people have little to no capacity to think of the future, concentrate largely or entirely on their present pleasures, and get very angry and upset when their views or ways are seriously challenged, and when they cannot get what they really want.
The "ideal" state, according to this model, is that of the Adult: the grown-up, rational, present-focused, calm middle ground between the controlling and nurturing instincts of the Parent, and the free-wheeling and adaptive instincts of the Child.
Now, all of this probably strikes you as pure psychobabble, and to be honest it strikes me in much the same way, actually. There is, however, some merit to this paradigm, and it does have value (albeit limited) as a heuristic analytical tool.
Apply this paradigm to the world around you, and you will quickly realise that we live in a world full of overgrown children.
The Manosphere has long argued that most women are overgrown children. Women these days live to fulfill their own pleasures above just about everything else. They will detonate relationships because they are UNHAAAAAAPPY - never mind that it is their job to keep themselves from becoming discontented, not the job of their men. They waste their lives on frivolous nonsense, without ever once stopping to think of the future and all that it holds, until it is far too late.
However, the reality is that this is simply the nature of women. It does not matter where you go, whether it is the corrupt and decadent West, or the supposed Poosy Paradise of Eastern Europe - women DO NOT CHANGE.
The real problem, or at least, a big part of it, is the vast number of limp-wristed, soy-drinking, emotionally incontinent manlets running around today pretending that they are men.
These are not men. They are boys pretending to act like men. They are utterly incapable of being men because they have not put in the extremely hard work necessary to grow up.
This begs the necessary question: what, exactly, does a grown-up adult man look like?
Well, for starters, take a look at my friend Adam Piggott's list of the 28 Traits of the True Modern Man. That list is designed to take a mere child in the body of a man, and force him to grow physically, mentally, morally, and spiritually. It is written with the specific purpose of making a man more patient, loyal, courageous, honourable, and strong - to give him mastery over himself and his world.
Yet, with the greatest possible respect for my friend, I am forced to admit that even this list is not quite enough.
Even a man who lifts regularly, knows how to take a punch, is patient and fastidious with his grooming, has his finances in order, has spent time alone, reads regularly, has traveled extensively, and knows what he wants to get out of life, will at some point encounter a woman who knocks him flat on his ass.
Why? Because he has a very hard time adjusting to someone else's needs.
The reality of being in a relationship with a woman - the kind that works and endures - is that it is a two-way street. A successful relationship requires two adults, and it is very, very hard to find a woman who has her shit together to the point where she actually qualifies as an adult. But everything is relative, and it is possible to find a woman whose life is a mess in many areas - and yet she is still more of an adult than the man is in the areas that really count, such as taking responsibility for her actions and understanding cause and effect.
When a man gets into a relationship with a woman like that - and it can happen, I've personally witnessed it - then the drama and the fights can be truly insane.
The reason is because women test men constantly. They cannot help it. That is what they do. Their biology wires them to test the man that they are with, HARD, to ensure that he really is the best provider, protector, and genetic sire for her future children. Women are very good at hiding their true natures for a while - but they cannot do this indefinitely. There WILL come a point, anywhere from four to eight weeks into a relationship, where an emotionally immature man will wake up next to his relatively more mature woman, turn to her in a blissful state of early-morning happiness, and say, "Hi sweetheard, it's a gorgeous day outside, how are you feeling today?"
She will proceed to go full-on Mama Grizzly on him, tear off his head, and shit down the resulting cavity.
She does so because she simply cannot maintain the pretence anymore. Her biology and psychology will not let her. She believes that the man that she is with, is not worthy of her.
Whether he actually is unworthy of her is a subjective question. I know from personal experience that a woman who reacts this way to a man who has his life together in other areas is often extremely difficult to please regardless, and comes with half a hundredweight of serious emotional baggage from failed past relationships. The sign of an immature man is one who cannot own up and take responsibility for himself, who is dishonest with himself in any area of his life - but the sign of an immature woman is one who, to quote the old saying, "can't keep a man".
It is supremely important, therefore, for both men and women to grow up, become adults, and rid themselves of their neuroses and foibles and petty little stupid grievances. The world is too big, life is too short, and the Creator has too much in mind for us, to allow ourselves to get hung up on silly nonsense.
For men, growing up means taking responsibility - for ourselves, for our tribes, for our nations. It means putting in a lot of extremely hard work and effort to become physically, mentally, and spiritually strong, resilient, and secure. It means telling the truth, relentless and mercilessly, to ourselves - and telling the truth with love, compassion, and kindness to others. It means not taking women for granted, not treating them as disposable playthings, and holding them to a high standard of behaviour.
(By this I do not mean that a harlot should be excused for slatternly conduct. If she insists on throwing her cat at every man that offers her a treat, then she should be shunned. Prostitutes, whether of the paid or Tinderella type, may be a necessary evil - but they are an evil nonetheless.)
When men act like spoiled and degenerate children, society as a whole regresses rapidly and life becomes a living Hell - anyone who doubts me should try reading Lord of the Flies sometime to get an idea of what happens when our childish instincts are let loose without restraint. And when men act that way, women suffer truly terrible fates - as we are now seeing all around us today.