Monday morning stand-up specials
Normally, I would just stop right there, because y'all would be horribly depressed simply from knowing this fact.
But this Monday has a certain duality to it.
On the one hand, it is Guy Fawkes Day - which is to say, the day that a certain Englishman tried to blow up the English Parliament building at Westminster and assassinate the Protestant King James in order to (re-)establish Catholic rule over England. He failed, rather spectacularly it must be said, but his name lives on - as does his visage, thanks in part to the legendary graphic novel V for Vendetta (and the rather less than legendary movie adaptation of the same).
On the other hand... in America, it is the day before the midterm elections.
Prior to about 2016, I could not give a rat's ass about this. I used to find this peculiar American obsession with every election cycle, in which various talking heads from across the political spectrum would wail and yell about how THIS IS TEH MOST IMPORATANTEST ERECTION EVAAAARRRR!!!, to be utterly stupid.
I had long argued that voting did not matter because nothing ever changed.
Then the God-Emperor came along, and promptly set about proving me completely and comprehensively wrong.
Now, nobody who reads this needs me to tell him how to vote. You have already made up your minds. Pretty much all of my readers are libertarians, conservatives, and Hard Right nutters like me. (God love all of you.) You and I both know that you will vote to continue the #WINNING!!! by voting for whichever candidates support our magnificent and benevolent God-Emperor.
There is a much bigger issue at stake than "just" the Trump Agenda, though. The fundamental question posed to voters tomorrow is: what kind of country and civilisation do Americans want?
The Left has completely lost its collective goddamn mind, and has launched a highly aggressive, and so far very successful, takeover of the Democrat Party, with the very clear aim of securing pure power for themselves. They absolutely will use that power to destroy what little is left of the great and magnificent heritage of the West in general and America in particular.
The God-Emperor stands for peace, prosperity, the rule of law, and the restoration of American freedom. (Mostly, anyway - there are some ideas of his that actually make America less free, but that's a whole different post.) He stands for the belief that America is a unique, sovereign nation that has the right and the obligation to look after its own people first. He has delivered on those beliefs, in spades, ever since he raised his right hand last January and swore his Oath of Office.
It is not really that hard to figure out which path makes more sense to the ordinary, decent, law-abiding men and women of the Great Silent Majority.
But enough of politics. Since today is such a serious day, filled with so many portents, I thought it might be worth spending my time and effort bringing a little levity to the proceedings.
So I have gone and found a bunch of funny shit and put it together to lighten your mood today. Enjoy.
We start today with a comic special from, of all people, the Hilldebeast, who is evidently trying her hand at improvisational comedy:
The Bitch still doesn't get it. Over half the country ABSOLUTELY HATES HER. She's like a bad comedian who just cannot understand why the audience keeps booing her, and assumes that it must be them, rather than her complete lack of humour, warmth, or empathy.
Deadpool - also known as "Ryan Reynolds" - is a REALLY funny dude:
I've been practically binge-watching Owen "Bear Clan Leader" Benjamin's clips of late on YouTube, and I have to say, this dude is one of the funniest comedians that I have ever seen.
It is difficult to know which one of his sketches and routines is the funniest, but his "Ballad of the Soy Boy" is definitely right up there:
Here are a few more to keep your Monday morning light and funny:
Profane, edgy, rude comedy is fun and all - Iliza Shlesinger is a good example of a young and skilled comedian who uses all three attributes - but there are plenty of times when I find myself thinking, "Why is it impossible for these people to be funny without swearing a blue streak?"
Fortunately, that is where Dry Bar Comedy comes in to save the day:
Here's an old favourite:
It is not often that you see the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation telling the truth about the persecution of modern Christians, but this is one of those times:
If your standard interrogation tactics do not work - the last resort is not waterboarding, as it turns out, but rather, the INDIAN MOTHER!!!
Remember when the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation was actually funny, once upon a time?
If you have ever wondered what a cult gathering looks like up close and personal - here is some old footage leaked from an International Association of Scientologists (!!!) awards ceremony, in which Tom Cruise was given their 2004 Freedom Medal of Valour. (WHISKEY. TANGO. FOXTROT.)
It's... I mean... Ah hell, just watch.
The amazing thing is that people actually take this shit SERIOUSLY. I mean, they played the freakin' Mission: Impossible 2 theme music as an intro to Mr. Cruise's award.
These people are NUTS.
If you thought Australia was terrifying, you should try visiting the Amazon rainforest sometime. There you will find 30-foot snakes, giant tarantulas the size of dinner plates, packs of piranhas that can turn a cow into a skeleton in minutes, foot-long centipedes, ants whose bites make you feel like you just got shot, big-ass crocodiles, poisonous coloured frogs, and... the toothpick fish.
Wait - what?
Yeah. The goddamned TOOTHPICK FISH.
I'm telling you, giant tarantulas ain't got shit on these things:
Though the candirú is a parasite, humans are not among its viable hosts. It lingers in the murky darkness at the river’s bottom, quietly stalking its neighboring fish. Light is scarce in the soupy deep, but the candirú does not need to see… it can taste the traces of urea and ammonia that are expelled from breathing gills.
The tiny hunter shadows its prey, almost invisible due to its translucent body and small size. When the target fish exhales, the candirú detects the resulting flow of water and makes a dash for the exposed gill cavity with remarkable speed. Within less than a second it penetrates the gill and wriggles its way into place, erecting an umbrella-like array of spines to secure its position.
Unconcerned with the host’s panicked thrashing, the firmly anchored parasite immediately nibbles a hole in a nearby artery with its needle-like teeth, feasting upon the bounty that gushes forth. Within two minutes the candirú’s belly is swollen with the blood of its victim, and it retracts its gripping barbs. Though it may seem that the exploited host fish has escaped, its injuries are so extensive that chances of survival are grim. Meanwhile the victorious attacker slinks back into the river’s dark places to digest its meal.
There are many troubling stories from the region regarding human run-ins with the candirú. It is not uncommon for people swimming or bathing in the river to urinate while in the water, an action which creates tiny water currents that are rich in urea and ammonia, much like an exhaling fish. The story goes that the tiny, slender catfish cannot always distinguish a urinating human from an exhaling fish gill, and on occasion it will attempt its trademark high-speed attack on some unfortunate soul’s submerged, exposed urethra.
According to claimed victims, when the candirú successfully invades a human, it proceeds exactly as it would with a fish host. After entering the misidentified orifice, it quickly wriggles its way in as far as possible, often accompanied by the victim’s frantic attempts to grip the slippery, mucus-coated tail. In the unlikely event that the panicked victim manages to grasp the fish, its backwards-pointing barbs would cause excruciating pain at each pull, and bring a quick end to the dramatic tug-of-war. Once inside, the parasite inches its way up the urethra to the nearest blood-gorged membrane, extends its spines into the surrounding tissue, and starts feasting.
For the candirú, this misguided journey would be a one-way trip; its bloody banquet leaves it too swollen to escape. The only known retaliation against the invader would be delicate and expensive surgery, or failing that, a folk remedy which combines two herbs in a desperate gambit to slowly kill and dissolve the fish. Silvio was reportedly fortunate enough to have access to modern medical facilities, though he had to endure three days of profound agony before the fish was extracted by an awestruck urogenital surgeon.
You know how there is a huge list of endangered species on this Earth that ecomentalists keep trying very hard to preserve? Well, some species just aren't endangered enough.
Those little @#$%ers need to be EXTERMINATED, for the good of the world. (Along with pandas, of course.)
Pictures from Power Line and other places:
Gym idiots & bullshido time!!!
I realise that the bullshido I showed you previously was pretty horrifying. So I present to you an antidote: Gavin McInness's Proud Boys taking on a bunch of Pantifags in New York after the latter decided to pick a fight with the former.
It doesn't really take a genius to figure out what happens next:
Let us be clear that I do not advocate starting a fight with the Antifags, under any circumstances. Let them throw the first punches - they really are itching to do so, after all.
But once that first punch is thrown by one of them... that's it. All bets are off. No restraint, no fighting fair, and certainly no mercy.
Normally I would post up a clip of a gym beast to counteract the poison of the gym idiocy seen in previous sections. Today, however, I am very sorry to say that we must acknowledge the death of one of the best powerlifters who ever lived: Konstantin Konstantinovs.
He was a true legend, and an absolute badass. I have no doubt at all that the spirit of this fallen warrior is even now seated at the great feasting table of Valhalla.
Rest in peace, sir.
I have to admit that I am not particularly crazy about the new SINBREED vocalist. His voice is too thin and reedy relative to the gritty yet powerful vocals of Herbie Langhans. But, I'll give him a shot. And of course I'm getting the new album when it is released.
Not really sure that AMARANTHE is worth the hype these days. The last three albums have all sounded... more or less exactly the same, really.
Damn, but it's good to see Rob Rock singing for IMPELLITERRI again. That guy's voice is amazing.
I decided to change things up a little in terms of the week-starting Instathot, and went looking a little farther afield than I usually do. Longtime readers know quite well by now that I have a very strong preference for Eastern European and shapely East Asian ladies, but actually one of the less well-known and appreciated destinations for hot girls is... the Philippines.
This is not news to anyone who has lived in, say, Singapore, which these days is swarming with Pinays, but there is a reason why their women are regarded as highly desirable. They speak rather good, if very distinctly accented, English, and many of them tend toward the soft, beautiful, and very feminine.
Other Manosphere types have had many good things to say about the Philippines, and with good reason. My advice to men looking to that side of the world, though, is to be cautious; the negative stereotypes about Pinays exist for very good reasons.
At any rate, here are a bunch of pictures of a beautiful Filipina girl to get your week started off right. No, that's all right, I know I'm awesome, you're welcome.