Drinking games with The Last Straw


Readers know by now just how much I absolutely loathed the steaming pile of bovine byproduct that was The Last Jedi. I regarded it as an absolute insult to the legacy of the greatest SF/F franchise ever made, and a slap in the face to all of us who once called ourselves "fans" of the original films and the many derivative works that resulted from it.

I certainly was not, and am not, going to waste my precious time and energy on watching such utter dreck, since I have rather better things to do with both.

I figured that I had written all that I needed to in my original post on the subject, and intended to simply brush the foul and clinging dust of that nonsense off my feet and move on. I figured that STAR WARS is simply irredeemable at this point. The plot holes from The Force Awakens were apparently filled in with such cack-handed, ham-fisted finality in The Last Jedi that whoever ends up directing STAR WARS IX would probably be better off simply retconning everything and starting over again from scratch with a completely new trilogy.

I thought that I had blown off more than enough steam on the subject - and as my readers know, I am not exactly economical with words, especially when caught in mid-rant. But then I read the first few segments of a multi-part series of articles written by living science fiction legend John C. Wright, and realised that I had been completely and comprehensively outdone in every possible department as a critic (of a film that I have never seen, mind you).

Judging by the astonishing level of detail involved in each of his articles, which form a sixteen-part (!!!!!) series, I am simply awestruck by Mr. Wright's incredible mental tolerance for pain. I cannot imagine how painful it would be to watch that flaming shitpile of a movie, and then recall every miserably stupid and abominably bad scene in excruciating detail, all while being brained repeatedly and viciously with the dreadful Stupidity Hammer.

Now, a 16-part review is not easy going to read. It took considerably longer than the 2.5hr (!!!) runtime of such a horribly bad film to write all the whole damned thing. After all, the first part of that review was published in late July, and it is now early November. It took over three months for one of the world's best wordsmiths to put together a multi-part review comprehensive enough to do justice - if that is the right word - to a film thoroughly infected with terminal wokeness.

The least that I can do, as a fellow longtime (former) fan of the whole STAR WARS franchise, is help Mr. Wright out a little by collecting all of the reviews into one simple list. So here it is, from first to last:
  1. Star Wars Anonymous
  2. Not a Word Crawl
  3. Not an Opening Scene
  4. Tweedledim and Tweedledank
  5. Mary Sue and Master Mopey
  6. Dim and Dank on Planet Swank
  7. Emo, Mopey, and the Sad Backstory
  8. Spacehorses and Codebreakers
  9. General Gender Studies and Princess Poppins
  10. The Nonfight on the Flagship
  11. Nonfight at the Escape-Proof Hideout
  12. The Non-Fight Scenes
  13. The Non-Characters
  14. Plot Twists and Plot Plops
  15. Non-Theme of No-Empowerment
  16. No Future
I am more of a casual fan of Mr. Wright's writing (pun not intended) - I found Somewither and The Golden Age to be far too esoteric and wordy for my liking, but his Superluminary trilogy was truly mind-boggling in terms of both scope and quality.

But this (very very very) long multi-part review shows Mr. Wright at probably pretty close to his best. And, of course, it shows you, in comprehensive and careful detail, exactly how bad STAR WARS VIII: The Last Jedi really was.

It was so irredeemably, irrevocably bad that it is simply not possible for any new director, producer, or group of writers to fix the massive snarl of stupidity and problems that Kathleen Kennedy and Rian Johnson introduced. The only way to untangle this particular Gordian Knot is simply to hack straight through it, burn it all down, and start all over again.

Disney will basically need to torch the last two STAR WARS films and start all over again, presumably projecting well into the far future of the canon or reaching well back into the days of the Old Republic. The fact is that the STAR WARS saga really has no more stories to tell from the main, original storyline. And that is because the prequels - as terrible as they were - actually did have a point when set next to the original films.

If you look at the STAR WARS saga, it is basically the story of Anakin Skywalker's rise, fall, and redemption. Once you strip away all of the crap and bullshit surrounding that fundamental premise - pod-racing, anyone?!? - then what you are left with is essentially a galaxy-spanning Greek tragedy in which Anakin Skywalker is given monumental power, lets it get to his head through the sin of pride, falls into darkness and evil, and finally is redeemed through the love of his son and sacrifices himself to save his child and fulfill his destiny.

That is a powerful, compelling, and beautiful story. And it is complete. There is nothing more to tell. The six Lucasfilm productions told it - quite terribly, admittedly, about 3.5 out of 6 of those films, but they did finally tell it. (STAR WARS III: Revenge of the Sith was a deeply flawed and problematic film, but it did have its good moments, especially toward the end.)

The new films do not have a story to tell. They do not have compelling characters. They do not have any sense of a rise, a fall, and a redemption. They do not deal in big ideas or themes. They are utterly pointless and artistically bankrupt.

This is not surprising when you know and understand what SJWs do when they get the control and power that they so desperately crave. They have no artistic skill of their own. They have no clue how to build anything. They can only imitate - very poorly - the greater works of the past.

Fortunately, we are blessed to have at least one great author (among several, actually - some of them read this blog) who knows how to tell a good story. And his multi-part review of The Last Straw should be required reading for the next set of spastic numbnuts who decide to write a STAR WARS script.

Comments

  1. That series is superb, and I have absolutely no idea how Mr. Wright endured the kind of psychic pain that analyzing that movie had to entail. Definitely worth a read if anyone has not done so already, and especially if you are someone who is considering watching the abomination that is The Last Jedi for the first time.

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