Drinking games with The Last Straw
Readers know by now just how much I absolutely loathed the steaming pile of bovine byproduct that was The Last Jedi. I regarded it as an absolute insult to the legacy of the greatest SF/F franchise ever made, and a slap in the face to all of us who once called ourselves "fans" of the original films and the many derivative works that resulted from it.
I certainly was not, and am not, going to waste my precious time and energy on watching such utter dreck, since I have rather better things to do with both.
I figured that I had written all that I needed to in my original post on the subject, and intended to simply brush the foul and clinging dust of that nonsense off my feet and move on. I figured that STAR WARS is simply irredeemable at this point. The plot holes from The Force Awakens were apparently filled in with such cack-handed, ham-fisted finality in The Last Jedi that whoever ends up directing STAR WARS IX would probably be better off simply retconning everything and starting over again from scratch with a completely new trilogy.
I thought that I had blown off more than enough steam on the subject - and as my readers know, I am not exactly economical with words, especially when caught in mid-rant. But then I read the first few segments of a multi-part series of articles written by living science fiction legend John C. Wright, and realised that I had been completely and comprehensively outdone in every possible department as a critic (of a film that I have never seen, mind you).
Judging by the astonishing level of detail involved in each of his articles, which form a sixteen-part (!!!!!) series, I am simply awestruck by Mr. Wright's incredible mental tolerance for pain. I cannot imagine how painful it would be to watch that flaming shitpile of a movie, and then recall every miserably stupid and abominably bad scene in excruciating detail, all while being brained repeatedly and viciously with the dreadful Stupidity Hammer.
Now, a 16-part review is not easy going to read. It took considerably longer than the 2.5hr (!!!) runtime of such a horribly bad film to write all the whole damned thing. After all, the first part of that review was published in late July, and it is now early November. It took over three months for one of the world's best wordsmiths to put together a multi-part review comprehensive enough to do justice - if that is the right word - to a film thoroughly infected with terminal wokeness.
The least that I can do, as a fellow longtime (former) fan of the whole STAR WARS franchise, is help Mr. Wright out a little by collecting all of the reviews into one simple list. So here it is, from first to last:
- Star Wars Anonymous
- Not a Word Crawl
- Not an Opening Scene
- Tweedledim and Tweedledank
- Mary Sue and Master Mopey
- Dim and Dank on Planet Swank
- Emo, Mopey, and the Sad Backstory
- Spacehorses and Codebreakers
- General Gender Studies and Princess Poppins
- The Nonfight on the Flagship
- Nonfight at the Escape-Proof Hideout
- The Non-Fight Scenes
- The Non-Characters
- Plot Twists and Plot Plops
- Non-Theme of No-Empowerment
- No Future