"Tweedledim the Token Stormtrooper"

John C. Wright, perhaps the greatest sci-fi/fantasy writer alive today, decided to put himself through the sheer torture of watching STAR WARS VIII: The Last Jedi recently. Judging by his reactions, the experience was even more unpleasant than he expected.

His long-form reviews, broken up into multiple parts - because apparently there was so much STUPID in the movie that it needs a six-part review, or something along those lines - are far, far better than the film itself could ever be.

And there is a lot of stupid to get through. Witness for instance Mr. Wright's take on what happened to Brienne of Darth (not a typo) who graced the screen for all of about five minutes in the previous movie of this turd-factory of a series, and promptly got shot, stunned, and tossed into a trash compactor:

Nor could the FIRST ORDER seize military control of jack. They are not the Empire, and do not have hundreds of robot-manned factory worlds to crank out endless ships, or endless clone armies. As best I can tell, they are a small group of malcontents who do not realize the civil war ended thirty years ago. When the Starkiller base is blown up, countless troops and materiel are obliterated. This includes Captain Phasmid, or whatever her name is, in her chrome armor. Last we saw, she was thrown in a trash compacter and then the world the trash compactor happens to be on is obliterated in a cosmic explosion. (She shows up later with no dents in her armor.)


I mean, I'm not a film screenwriter or anything, but even I'm usually not quite that stupid. Leaving a plot hole the size of a Death Star between one movie and the next is worse than mere carelessness or laziness - it is an actual display of deliberate stupidity.

And as far as I am concerned, deliberately engineered stupidity of that magnitude can only be properly ascribed to malicious forethought.

In other words, the filmmakers, from J. J. Abrams and Kathleen Kennedy, and on to Rian Johnson and lower, are not merely stupid. They are actually, at some level, quite possibly evil.

This is borne out rather thoroughly in the fact that NOTHING in the latest crap-sundae of a STAR WARS film makes the slightest bit of sense. I have not watched it (and almost certainly never will) but from what I have seen and heard, the plot and writing are not merely bad, not simply wretched - they are so atrocious as to insult the intelligence of every former fan of the series who came to the theatres expecting a decent film.

The third review in Mr. Wright's sequence, though, takes the cake for sheer hilarity and brilliance of word-smithery:

Here, in THE LAST JEDI, the rebels (including Hotshot Pilot, Tweedledim the Token Stormtrooper, Tweedledank the zoink-powered Wrench Monkey, space hag General Ruin, and space crone Girl-General Gender Studies van Grievance of the Purple Hair) are driven from their hidden base by a clowncar of Space Nazis led by a Sith Wanker and a Bad Muppet named Snoopy. Call this non-plot C. [I nearly burst my spleen from laughing when I read these descriptions. Mr. Wright's powers as a wordsmith are truly breathtaking. I wish I had a tenth of his skill as a writer.]

Meanwhile, Mary Sue the Perfect Girl finds Jedi Master Mopey Sulkwalker, who is moping. She wants him to help and he refuses. Because mopey. She rushes off to confront the whiny and unthreatening pasty-faced Sith wanker, Emo Vader, or whatever his name was. Mopey Sulkwalker is happy to see her go. Call this non-plot B.

Mary Sue thinks she can turn Emo Vader to the Sunny Side, while he thinks he can turn her to the Dim Side. Or maybe he thinks he can get her to change her expression. SPOILERS! She doesn’t and he can’t.

Tweedledim and Wrench Monkey go for no particular reason to a casino, endanger innocent bystanders, fail to free a slaveboy who aids them, and run away the traffic cops. Call this non-plot A. Maybe this was meant to be a side-quest, but it took up most of the running time and sucked all the oxygen out of the room.

There are events that suddenly happen for no reason, which I guess were meant to count as plot twists. A murder, a mutiny, a suicide, a stampede, a betrayal, but who cares? If there is supposed to be a growing romance between Emo Vader and Mary Sue, or between Tweedledim and Tweedledank, I missed it.

Nothing was surprising because nothing was actually happening, and nothing actually made sense.

The three threads combine into a stupid snarl of nonsense at the end when Tweedledim beats up his evil drill sergeant Phasmid, then tries to sacrifice himself but doesn’t. Meanwhile, Emo Vader fights Mopey Sulkwalker except he doesn’t, and Mary Sue opens a blocked cave exit that no one else could have opened except they could have, and they all run away. More. Just as they had been doing throughout. Back to square one. Call this the non-Climax.

Do you notice what is missing from this plot? A plot. Events, of a sort, have happened, but nothing is resolved, nothing is accomplished, and nothing means anything. There are no character arcs.

More to the point, and it is a damning point, every source of plot tension, every dramatic question engaging the audience and driving the plot forward has been derailed and deflated in what can only be called an ongoing act of insolent auctorial malfeasance.

Everything, and I mean everything, of any interest inherited from the prior films is systematically robbed of any drama or point, so that there is no possibility of any sequel to this dog.


The film was so monumentally, mind-bogglingly stupid that the CinemaSins spent over twenty minutes dissecting it:



One hundred and twenty one sins across one hundred and fifty minutes of film. One sin about every 75 seconds on average.

One brain-pulping smash of the stupidity hammer straight into the poor viewer's cranium, EVERY. SEVENTY. FIVE. SECONDS.

No wonder Mr. Wright came out of the experience of watching that movie feeling like his IQ had been lowered down to a moron's level. There is not enough gasoline in the world to burn this particular pile of stupidity.

Now, obviously, this sort of desecration of plot, character, storytelling, action, and simple cinematic skill is to be expected from SJWs. And we know for sure that the people behind Mickey Mouse Wars these days are all hardcore, confirmed SJWs.

So none of this is particularly surprising. It is merely sad, at some level, to see that STAR WARS fans the world over continue to be taken in by this sort of nonsense, and continue to pay good money to watch these films - even though they are complete garbage.

Then again - nobody ever went broke overestimating the masochism and willful blind stupidity of the average STAR WARS fanboy. The next movie could be nothing more than a collection of strobe lights and fart noises, but STAR WARS fans everywhere would still shell out the shekels to watch it as long as there is a lightsaber and some sort of mystical cosmic Macguffin that allows people to jump fifty feet in the air and lift objects with their minds.

If we were living in a sane world, Tweedledim the Token Stormtrooper - also known to you and me as "Mace Dindu" - would never exist, and the actor who plays him, John Boyega, would not be sticking his oversized chin into every fun film franchise out there and wrecking them all. And all of these affirmative-action characters, all of these incredibly stupid plots, and all of the wretchedly insipid, horrid writing, would be tossed into the trash compactor.

But we do not live in a sane world. We live in a world in which Disney somehow - and I'm still kind of shocked at this - managed to make the prequels look good by comparison.

Comments

  1. I am in awe of John C. Wright's tolerance for mental pain. The man's gonna need therapy after enduring that monstrosity.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes - the extremely painful repeated blows of the Stupidity Hammer have left blood and brain matter leaking out of every corner of his head, as he himself says.

      Having seen the flaming shitpile of STUPID that was STAR WARS VII: The Force Awakens, I can well believe that.

      Delete
  2. Didact,

    it's 14 parts(!) Yeah It's Gibbons decline and fall treatment. I've been reading and commenting here and there. I haven't seen either movie and don't plan to.

    There are rumours from a twitter post by Ethan Van Sciver several days ago intimating that Rian's been fired and the whole triology has been cancelled and shelved. Reading between the lines from all the controversy suggest something called a retcon.
    So far Disney has been utterly silent. So that tells me(and only me) that the rumours are accurate and the suits and beancounters are looking very very very hard at who can replace and above all how to redo the trilogy.
    xavier

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. it's 14 parts(!)

      Sixteen, now...:

      Part 5 of 16: 2018 08 17

      Any longer than that, and Mr. Wright's reviews of the film will take longer to read than it will take to watch the film.

      So that tells me(and only me) that the rumours are accurate and the suits and beancounters are looking very very very hard at who can replace and above all how to redo the trilogy.

      I think you are on to something - but for me, at least, it is far too late.

      Carrie Fisher is dead. Harrison Ford hates the character of Han Solo and evidently wants nothing more to do with a character that he considers to be quite juvenile. Mark Hamill is apparently even grumpier and more disillusioned with the franchise than his character, Jedi Master Mopey Sulkwalker, was in the latest film.

      If they retcon the hell out of the last two films in the flaming shitpile of SJW nonsense that is the current STAR WARS universe, they will still not be able to rescue the franchise, at all.

      Delete
    2. Didact,

      Fair enough about Star wars being totally killed off. This gives us an opportunity to fill the vaccum with more original ideas. I like the Christian gundam that's slowing coming out. I'm working on my own take. So hopefully others will come with a vast arry of stories from all genres.

      Delete
  3. I was able to blissfully ignore this 14 car pile-up of a star wars cash cow, but then it came onto netflix, and my lovely little wife of 23 years decided to watch it while I was imprisoned rubbing her feet. (BTW, rubbing her feet is the next best thing to giving her blinding orgasms for keeping a little woman satisfied).

    May the random number gods forever curse her 20 sided dice. Now this crap is imprisoned in my mind forever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BTW, rubbing her feet is the next best thing to giving her blinding orgasms for keeping a little woman satisfied)

      Can confirm.

      Now this crap is imprisoned in my mind forever.

      I recommend watching some good old-school Westerns - the ones starring Clint Eastwood and John Wayne seem to help a lot.

      Delete
    2. You are right, "HATARI!" blocked it for hours.

      Delete

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