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Apparently some sort of Very Big Event took place yesterday in the world of Sportzball, and frankly most of the time I couldn't give a rat's ass about what happened because unless the event involves Roger Federer doing his GOAT shtick, or an actual MMA fight showing guys beating each other into bloody puddles of snot and piss, I generally just yawn and change the channel.
(And Federer got dumped out of Wimbledon in the semis on Friday, so I'm still kind of cheesed off about that. Then again, he was NOT playing his best, at all.)
But then I found out that the French were playing the Croatians in the final for this "Football World Cup" thingy, and I sort of started caring very slightly - because I really did not want the French to win.
Unfortunately, they did win.
Actually, the only thing more shocking than the fact that a bunch of losers like the French won anything - which should tell you everything you need to know about the value of the World Cup, really - is the fact that something actually happened in a soccer game!!! Apparently the final score was 4-2, which is pretty amazing considering how many 0-0 and 1-1 games were seen in Russia this year.
But the French still won. Dammit.
You see, the only thing that I dislike more than the French, who I find incredibly arrogant, pretentious, rude, and snotty even at the best of times, is the French after they've won something.
Inevitably, they use this as an excuse to go rioting in the streets - because nothing says, "We are winners!!!" quite like torching and burning down your own city.
Anyway, the reason why I bring this up is because apparently the French got two goals yesterday off of blatantly ridiculous penalties. And that reminded me of the reason why I really hate soccer:
The most absurd and ridiculous play-actor out of the bunch is, of course, the Brazilian star Neymar. His antics on the field in one game were so outlandish that apparently there is a new social media trend in his honour called "doing the Neymar".
And it's hilarious:
Neymar's nonsense on the field was so blatant and so irritating that even professional tennis players have taken to imitating his asshattery. You wouldn't normally associate Swedes, especially ones that are a bit long in the tooth like Jonas Bjorkman, with a sense of humour, but it has to be said, this performance at Wimbledon was worthy of its own awards ceremony:
While I am on the subject of stupidity in sports - I cannot resist throwing in a clip of somebody doing something intolerably idiotic while squatting:
However, since I was in fact responsible for inflicting that gains-destroying cancer upon your eyeballs, it is only fair that I end on a high note.
To whit - here is by far the cutest thing you will see all day:
That's right, boys - get 'em started young, teach 'em how to lift right, and your sons will grow up to be righteous men of manly manliness.