Monday Grouchies

A reader told me to go check out the Powerline blog's Week In Pictures archives for various funny things. His advice was, of course, excellent - it turns out that those archives are packed full of very funny cartoons and demotivators that perfectly capture the proper spirit of dour, curmudgeonly conservative pessimism that we should all aspire towards.

Honestly, I think this is why I write all the crazy shit that I do - not just for the lulz (though there are plenty of those), and not because it seriously cheeses off liberals (that is just a nice side bonus), but because I have really smart, interesting, funny, and cool people who read my work.

One or two of them even know how to write properly - unlike yer 'umble servant 'ere, who is just a hack writing stuff in his PJs. (Relax, boys, it is just a metaphor. It's Monday, I know you are feeling awful enough already without that image running through your heads.)

So in keeping with the spirit of conservative crankiness, here are a few things to cheer you up on another horrid Monday:

More than the annual GDP of Venezuela - and I'm pretty sure I've got about twice that much sitting in my bank account right now

Throw in a BIG BEAUTIFUL WALL with that order and YOU'VE GOT A DEAL!!!

HELLOOOOO NURSE!!! (To the one on the left, obviously, not Moochelle on the right)

Speaking of which...

Honestly, every time I look at photos of Mrs. Trump or listen and watch her in an interview, I am floored.

Though physically extraordinarily attractive, she is not as beautiful as she once was - she is 48 or thereabouts, and well past her salad days as a model and Slovenian stunner, and she also wears a very thick layer of makeup which I personally dislike. And yeah, she has an annoying habit of uptalk?, which simply gets up my nose.

But her charms go far beyond the physical.

She exudes a grace, a warmth and magnanimity, that is really quite amazing - and yet she remains aloof, seemingly above the fray of the down-and-dirty contact sport of politics. Her sense of style and her charisma are absolutely undeniable. She is, without question, highly intelligent and clearly knows how to give every bit as good as she gets when sparring with her husband - but she knows how to pair her intelligence with femininity and great natural grace.

She is, in other words, just about the perfect foil for the admittedly quite imperfect God-Emperor.

And she does appear to have her head very firmly bolted onto her very shapely shoulders - she puts her son first, supports her husband, and mostly keeps whatever disagreements she has with her uber-Chad of a husband behind closed doors.

What a refreshingly wonderful change from eight years of the overly masculine man-jawed Michelle!

Well, actually... that is a good point...

Here's one for the Legions of the God-Emperor:

And one more for the road:

It is just a cryin' shame that Ron Swanson is such an epic mustachioed badass, but Nicholas Offerman - the guy who plays him - is a liberal wuss-face.

By the way, it always confounds liberals (and more than a few moderates) quite thoroughly that conservatives can be such sticks-in-the-mud, such grouches, such squares - and yet we traditionalists are also much happier, more psychologically stable, generous (with both our time and our money) to our fellow man, have better marriages, are more attractive to the opposite sex (liberals on the short bus, note: there are only two genders), and generally just nicer than they are. This has been shown repeatedly in multiple surveys and studies.

And it really just comes down to one simple reality about the difference between liberal(tards) and conservatives.

Liberals believe that they can create a Utopia free of suffering and want if only they try hard enough. And when they fail - as they always and inevitably do - they lose their freakin' minds because things are not going the way that they expect or believe they should. Their psyches are in a constant state of turmoil and angst because they are basically overgrown children with a mental age of about 8, who may be phenomenally intelligent in many ways but lack emotional maturity.

If you have ever seen an eight-year-old kid throw a shit fit, you know that I am right when I say that this is exactly like watching a liberal in high dudgeon.

Conservatives, traditionalists, nationalists, and us Alt-Right wingnuts, on the other hand, know that Utopia is an impossible, unachievable dream. We know and understand that Mankind is flawed, Fallen, and thoroughly broken. We know that our experiments to perfect and redeem ourselves always fail, because they are the products of imperfect people trying to make perfect other imperfect people.

But we also know that there is a way out.

We accept the presence of a Power far beyond and above us. Some of us may well be atheists, but those of us who are understand and acknowledge that "there are more things in Heaven, and on Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy".

So while we are duly pessimistic, sceptical, and quite dour about the endless schemes of the do-gooders, and we do thoroughly appreciate and believe in the sentiment that MOST PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS...

We also have a sense of optimism and hope.

The best of us - and I do not, by the way, claim to be one of them, to the slightest degree - know why there is evil in the world. They understand why the world is ruled by evil, and why the Prince of this world is so terrifyingly dangerous.

And they know that there is a solution to that evil - a way out, that transcends mortal understanding but which is nonetheless within our reach. All we have to do is accept it.

With that, good luck getting through another crap-sundae of a Monday. I'll leave off with a little bit of...

Oh, quit yer grumbling. You knew it was gonna happen ))


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