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So, it turns out that detonating a giant friggin' NUKE at the bottom of the Marianas Trench would accomplish... more or less sod all.
Welp, there goes Plan A for world domination. Dammit! Now I'll have to go figure out something even more diabolical, dastardly, and downright despicable.
I tell you, man, it is hard work being a shitlord.