Farewell and adieu to you, Yankee ladies...

As most of you enterprising shitlords are no doubt aware by now, the Miss America 2019 pageant will no longer feature swimsuit contests - and honestly I can pretty much stop writing there, because you all know exactly what that means.

But, if you will indulge me, I will carry on, because honestly this whole thing is just too funny.

Naturally, the most enterprising and amusing social commentators from our side jumped all over this story the moment that it broke, to great effect:

Gretchen Carlson, chairwoman of the now-swimsuit-free Miss America, would very much like you to know that she isn’t just a pretty face. She also has a degree from Stanford and spent a year studying Virginia Woolf at Oxford.

Even so, let’s pause and ponder for a moment which elements on her CV got the studio executives most excited when considering her for her jobs on TV.

a) ‘Hey! She majored in “Organizational Behavior”!?! And she’ll be just great at explaining to our viewers the true significance of all that mopey, suicidal, proto-feminist stream-of-consciousness in Mrs Dalloway and To The Lighthouse!‘

b) ‘She’s blonde. She’s got a great body. She’s smoking hot. And by the way, did I mention that she’s blonde? With a name that makes her sound like she might even be Swedish, like in all the porn movies?’

Well, I’m no Miss America. (You need to be seriously brainy to be one of those these days. Apparently). But if I were to hazard a wild flying guess, I’d say the clincher wasn’t Carlson’s mammoth intellect.

This being so, I’d argue that it’s mightily unfair and wrong – and frankly stupid – of Carlson to do what she has just gone and done in her role as chairwoman of Miss America: cut out the swimsuit section, the better that contestants may demonstrate the ‘passion, intelligence, and overall understanding of the job’.

“We are not going to judge you on your appearance because we are interested in what makes you you,” says Carlson.


‘It’s what comes out of their mouths that we care about.’

These are the kind of dumb things only someone with too much education would say.

There is only one legitimate reaction that comes to mind when one listens to a former beauty queen saying something like that:

Oh, but we are not finished here. As Paul Joseph Watson points out, if Mrs. Carlson really wanted to be "inclusive" and "woke", then she has not gone nearly far enough.

Speaking as someone who identifies as non-American, non-white, non-Christian, non-female, and so on and so forth, I am deeply and mortally offended at the notion that the supposedly enlightened and intelligent Mrs. Carlson is the head of an organisation called Miss America.

I mean, surely, if she wanted to be truly woke, she would open up her competition to all beings that identify as female (even if they are literal cows), never mind their sexual orientation, marital status, species, or phylum? Who does she think she is, eh, what?

There is really no end to the amount of fun that can be had here at Mrs. Carlson's expense - so let us get on with it by having Mark Dice weigh in on the subject:

This is what happens when you let SJWs get the run of the place - they absolutely ruin everything that others have spent years or even decades building up, in a matter of months or even weeks.

Putting on my Serious Face for a moment:

We must acknowledge one very important salient point.

This is what Gretchen Carlson looked like in 1989, when she won the Miss America pageant at the age of 23:

Gentlemen, be honest: WYB?

Yep. That's what I thought. Every single one of you said yes.

This is what Gretchen Carlson looks like today, at the age of (nearly) 52:

Not so hotso, eh? But then, that is a woman's reality. Time is not on her side.

Here is the real point, though, and to make it we need to look at one more picture.

What does the winner of Miss America 2018 look like?

Gentlemen, ask yourself honestly - who is better looking? Gretchen Carlson in 1989, or Cara Mund in 2018?

This is a no-bonerbrainer. The latter is the winner, by miles.

No politically correct type wants to acknowledge this, but the reality is that Gretchen Carlson's sudden discovery of "wokeness" has nothing to do with social justice, sexual harassment claims, or making women feel better.

It has everything to do with the very likely reality that she is deeply insecure about her own fading looks and the fact that the contestants of the modern Miss America pageant outclass her in just about every aspect of physical beauty - both relative to how she looks now, and, much more importantly, how she looked then, at her absolute physical peak.

This may strike some of you as armchair psychoanalysis, and I accept that criticism, for it is fair. But the fact is that what she is espousing is monumentally stupid. And there is only one even halfway rational explanation for her change of heart regarding bikini contests and physical appearances.

Here is the hard (heh) reality that Mrs. Carlson refuses to acknowledge: men like looking at attractive women in skimpy bikinis.

That is just who we are. We are visual creatures and we love the female form.

However, there is a separate reality that Mrs. Carlson also fails to acknowledge: Women like looking at hot women in bikinis too.

This is not surprising. Men love looking at women's bodies because we are men. Women like looking at women's bodies because they are envious and insecure about their own looks. They also happen to like watching the evening gown sections because, well, women like shiny shimmery clothing. (God alone knows why.)

No sane member of either sex tunes into a pageant show to listen to the contestants drone on and on about "world peace" or the importance of education in Third World nations. We tune in because we want to see a show full of beauty, grace, charm, femininity, and spectacle.

If you remove the beauty, spectacle, and femininity - and remember, the charm and grace are part of that package - then you remove any and all reason for watching what is essentially a talent show full of performers.

The next edition of Miss America is almost certainly going to be the lowest-rated one ever seen in the entire history of the pageant. Men are simply going to stop watching it, and women will only tune in for the evening gown portion of the show - and if the women on display are fat and ugly, it does not matter how intelligent they are, they will not be able to look good in those gowns.

Never before has the phrase "go woke, go broke" been more appropriate. Mrs. Carlson, and the entire Miss America establishment, are going to discover the truth of this in fairly short order.

It is going to be an absolute hoot to watch. Bring the popcorn, boys (or beef jerky, if that is your preference), I'll take care of the beer.


  1. Strikes me as an excellent way to push for having a Miss America au Naturale. This would clearly resign Miss America without swimsuits to the dungheap of failed feminism, where it belongs. Who, I ask you; WHO would fail to watch Miss America in the Buff?

    1. That, sir, is a truly splendid idea.

      Right, boys, time to run a FreeStartr campaign! This NEEDS to happen, for the good of every red-blooded man in America!!!


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