А complete idiot's guide to INTJs
You have absolutely no desire to meet your friend’s friend, until they say something about a topic you find academically interesting. Then you want to bond with them for hours.
Your innate response to any personal problem is to look for answers and solutions, not to simply sympathize with the person. You cannot understand why this isn’t helpful, and you may get frustrated when people don’t want the help.
There’s always a “right way” to do things in your head, whether it’s how to dress a sandwich or how you load items in your grocery cart. Following the system might help make small tasks more efficient, or it might simply make sure you get the specific result you want. The only problem is you’re often bad at mentioning that you want things done a certain way, or explaining why. As a result, you may get super annoyed when someone doesn’t follow the “plan.”
You casually but thoroughly devour information on a given topic until you are a near-expert, then get bored and move to a new topic.
It’s hard to say why, but your tastes have always run toward classical and elegant things. You can find pleasure in a grungy dive bar or greasy spoon diner, but there is something about timeless beauty and dignity that meets a need in your soul—and you can see the failings in anything that falls short. The result is a desire for high quality things in your life.
Talking about small details is physically draining, and you have a hard time not daydreaming during casual chitchat. You’re more likely to be thinking about new technologies, space travel, medical advances, the evolution of humankind, the age of the universe, or competing understandings of the cosmos. When you meet people who can discuss these same topics, you hold them close like precious treasure.
- Don't be repetitive
- Don't be boring
- Don't be a pretentious asshole who cannot stand to have his ideas challenged
- Don't take 30 minutes to say what could have been said in 5
- Leave us alone when we show clear signs of "people fatigue"
- Expect us to challenge any half-baked assertion or assumption that you make
- Be prepared for debate and discussion - we love tearing ideas apart
- Be on time
- Have a plan
- Stick to the facts
- Don't be an incompetent jackass
- If you are an arrogant ass, that's fine as long as you can back it up with actual skills
Imagine being dunked in acid, or eaten alive by ants, or snapping a shin-bone against someone's knee, or being stabbed, repeatedly, with a dull and rusty blade.
Now imagine all of those things happening at the same time, over and over, for days or weeks or even months on end.
It is bad enough when that happens to us once. When it happens several times, especially in quick succession, many of us simply give up. Everyone has limits to how much pain he or she can endure, and after enough experiences of real heartbreak, many of us shut down. We would rather live alone and adrift than ever have to go through that pain again.
Therefore, do not put us through it - because the one thing worse than an emotional INTJ, is an emotionally unbalanced INTJ. It is all too easy for an INTJ, especially a socio-sexually unsuccessful one, to get tipped right over the edge and come completely unglued.
And that is where serial killers often come from, by the way.
You feel a little bit like they’re studying you.
INTJs are interested in people – what makes them tick, what pushes their buttons and how they operate on a rational and emotional level. In the initial stages of getting to know an INTJ it can feel like they’re constantly analyzing you – most conversations are focused on you and you are constantly hearing the words “Interesting,” or “I see.” It takes a bit for the INTJ to shift the focus onto him or herself – they like to listen first and reveal their opinions second.
Sex is as mental as it is physical.
To the INTJ, arousal is not purely instinctual. Attraction begins in the mind and the best way to get them in the mood is to mention a sexual fantasy that gets them thinking – hard. INTJs are creative, kinky lovers who view some parts of sex as a challenge. They want to constantly improve their game and continually get their partner off in better, more creative ways. This type enjoys the mental connection that comes with sexual intimacy just as much as they enjoy the raw physical component.
They react best to direct communication.
INTJs have no patience for passive-aggressive comments or subtle remarks. If something is amiss in the relationship, they appreciate being told point-blank what is wrong and what the best course of action would be to fix it. INTJs want to maintain harmony in a relationship – they simply don’t care to achieve it through guesswork.
INTJs are fiercely loyal.
Or rather, we’re methodically loyal. This is part of our wiring. From a young age, most INTJs have a hard time understanding when someone doesn’t really mean what they say. As adults, this translates to us being wary of people who don’t keep their word or follow through on plans.
To us, honesty is not just ethical, but practical. Any dishonesty in a system means results cannot be predicted or trusted. A relationship is a system and we need to be able to project a strong chance of long-term happiness.
(Plus, many of us have been burned in the past. We let very few people into our “inner circle,” and when we do, we have high expectations. A single let-down can leave scars.)
Loyalty doesn’t mean just fidelity. We have a sense of personal dedication to our partner, and we expect to receive that in return. We want a partner who believes in our work, our goals, and our abilities. We believe competence and loyalty go hand in hand; we do not trust a partner who simply cheers for us if we cannot also count on their counsel and good judgment.
When we feel that you provide this, there will be no question of our loyalty in return. We are the type of partner who will drop everything and come to you in your time of need (or more likely, rearrange everything so nothing gets dropped). You can count on us.
Did we hurt you? Tell us how. Do we have a bad idea? Tell us why. Should we change something? Tell us. We can take it.
This is so simple that I think some partners are scared of it. It sounds like a trick. We’ve all dealt with someone who says they want you to speak your mind, then blows up when you do. That person is not an INTJ.
To an INTJ, understanding and resolving a problem is much more important than avoiding confrontation. We view confrontation-avoidance as weak, and even deceptive. See the loyalty section above.
When we argue, it doesn’t mean we’re upset.
Most people argue to make a point, express anger or get their way. INTJs argue to test ideas.
We are perpetually kicking the tires on what we think we know. We don’t mind being proven wrong. We love being proven wrong if it means we learn something new. But sometimes we forget that not everyone feels this way.
If your INTJ critiques something you don’t want critiqued, it’s okay to tell us to stop. We’re not doing it out of a lack of respect. We’re doing it to help! But, if it’s a recurring problem, just remind us that sometimes you need to be affirmed. We’ll get better at it with time.
And there you have it. You'll forgive me if I act like a smug bastard right now, but I have to say, this is one of the most comprehensive guides to dealing with INTJs that you will find out there - and, because it was written by one, it is also extremely accurate and highly informative. You're welcome.