Ambitiose sed ineptum

Here is a question that I never thought I would be asking:

What happens when you get the three blokiest blokes who ever bloked across a TV screen and ask them to create cars designed to take part in Britain's version of that crazy World's Wildest Police Videos TV show?

If you are anything like Kapios and me, you know exactly what comes next:

Honestly, I am surprised that more police departments do not use dynamite during vehicle stops. While its usage would undoubtedly be somewhat detrimental to the ability of police departments to apprehend and detain suspects, it would certainly cut down on prison overcrowding.

On a slightly more serious note- yes, THE GRAND TOUR is back on TV, and yes, the first episode of the new series was side-splitting. The idiots in senior management over at the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation must be shitting themselves, to the point where they need new underwear every few hours. Their "rebooted" version of what used to be the greatest TV show ever made is, quite frankly, embarrassing compared to the old Clarkson-esque version.

I mean, really, look at what happens when Chris Harris reviews the brand-spanking-new Bugatti Chiron:

Look at that car. Just LOOK at it. That monster costs over $3 MILLION, has ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED BHP, has God-only-knows how much torque, thunders along at a top speed of TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY ONE mph, and has a quad-turbo, 8 litre, W16 engine.

The whole car is the kind of thing that little boys like me used to doodle into the margins of our notebooks while bored out of our gourds during French classes in school. That thing is what a real-life Batman might use as his freakin' BATMOBILE. You can almost hear Danny Elfman's epic Batman theme thundering out of those incredible exhausts.

And yet, Chris Harris makes it all sound... boring.

Imagine what Clarkson & Co. would do with a car like that. (Actually, we don't have to imagine it for very much longer, because they will be reviewing the new Chiron in an upcoming episode.)

It would consist of seven minutes of amazing footage of the Chiron being driven by a 7-foot-tall orangutan with his hair on fire, yelling "POWERRRRRR!!!" out the window, with an epic soundtrack playing in the background, until Clarkson finally says,

"This is the greatest car..." "... IN THE WORLD!!!"

Those guys really do have the greatest jobs ever.


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