National Punch-A-Millennial Day

Our friend the Captain recently pointed out (via one of his field agents) that Millennials now apparently want their very own special snowflake day:

Sure, some Millennials are guilty of being entitled. But turn on the news, and you’ll see some bigly examples of entitled, narcissistic Baby Boomers. Every generation is diverse. But at 75 million people, Millennials are the biggest, most diverse generation in the nation. We’re also the most educated. We know human-caused climate change is real. We know why the Civil War started. We know what Aleppo is.

But society has a lot of misunderstandings about Gen Y. We’re overflowing with ideas to shake up our workplaces and make them more creative, collaborative, meaningful, meritocratic, and fun. And since we’ve grown up in a fast-paced world, we’re impatient to have an impact. So people say we’re entitled upstarts who don’t want to put in our dues. We want to collect experiences, not possessions. So people accuse us of being unambitious. We want immediate feedback more than an annual bonus. So people complain we need constant praise. We like to use (and invent) technological short-cuts. So people call us lazy. We post selfies on social media because we value connections with others. So we’re labeled “self-obsessed.”

We’re sick of the stereotypes. We want to counteract the fake news and bust the myths about Millennials. We want to be recognized for who we really are.

Now before anyone (including me) gets on his high horse, I will state clearly that I am well aware that this may easily be just a bit of clever satire.

In which case, well done to whoever started that petition and got however many useful idiots to sign it.

However, I have a counter-petition of my own to offer.

How about, instead of making June 19th "National Millennial Day", we make it "National Punch-A-Millennial Day"?

Think on this for a moment and you will quickly realise that my suggestion is simply ingenious.

As I once said to my family, "There is very little wrong with Millennials that cannot be cured by repeated punches to the face, being chained to a squat rack for a year, learning game, reading books, and being forced to do a bit of hard manual labour once in a while will not cure."

"Ah, but what about you, Mr. High-and-Mighty Didact?", I hear you ask. "Aren't you a Millennial too?"

Well, yes, sadly, I am. Ain't nuttin' I can do about that. But I'm not overly worried.

You see, unlike most Millennials, I make it a policy never to leave my home unarmed. And unlike most Millennials, I actually enjoy activities like full-contact sparring and lifting stupidly heavy things.

So anyone who tries to punch me is welcome to try, but upon his head be the consequences, obviously- not to mention the resulting medical expenses from an extended stay in a hospital ICU following the setting of multiple broken bones and the extraction of a very large blunt object from his rectum.

(Yes, I know, I automatically get +3 homo suspicion points for that last part. Too bad.)

I'm just saying, punching powerlifters is generally not conducive to a lengthy life expectancy.

Nevertheless, I think I'm on to something here. I think that this could be the best real fake holiday ever invented.

What say ye, brethren? Shall we take this petition to the nation and have it sent to the Resolute Desk of the God-Emperor upon the Cherry Blossom Throne, to be signed into righteous law by the divine edict of His Majesty?

Praise be to Kek and the God-Emperor!


  1. Eduardo the Magnificent27 May 2017 at 22:28

    I'm on board, as long as we can get Steak & BJ Day added along with.


Post a Comment

NO ANONYMOUS COMMENTS. Anonymous comments will be deleted.

Popular Posts