It can't be that hard to figure out

A bloke named Sebastian Shakespeare, who writes for the Daily Mail, is having a bit of trouble with a basic fact of reality:
How does Jeremy Clarkson do it? Looking bleary-eyed and clad in an open-necked shirt that did little to disguise his middleaged paunch, the former Top Gear host found himself set upon by a veritable harem of society’s most eligible women. 
Clarkson, 56, who is separated from his second wife Frances Cain, with whom he has three children, saw in the New Year at a party in Oxfordshire with (from left) socialite Jemima Goldsmith, 42, stylist Martha Ward, 40, artist Suzy Murphy, 52, and their pal Caro Hick, 42. 
Posing for a photo, Goldsmith and Ward placed their hands possessively on Clarkson’s chest, while Hick draped a bare leg over his knee. 
Next to the snap, Jemima wrote online: ‘To all Top Gear fans, Jeremy Clarkson is fine.’ Evidently so.
Mr. Shakespeare- no, not that one, he's been dead for some 400 years and was a damn sight more clued-in when it came to the realities of human nature- is presumably an intelligent man. But evidently this requires a bit of explanation.

So, in an effort to enlighten our fellow men, let us proceed to illustrate a fundamental difference between what attracts women, and what attracts men.

After all, in the immortal words of the philosopher Clarksonius (c. 150 A.D.), "how hard can it be?"

This is for the slow kids with their heads down on their desks at the back of the classroom.

Lads: men and women are attracted to very different things.

Men are attracted primarily to youth, beauty, and fertility. That is why women spend so much time and effort to look young and pretty. That is why the cosmetics industry is going to be worth, according to one estimate, perhaps $265 billion in 2017. That is why, in the picture above, taken directly from the Daily Mail article, Jezza is surrounded by a bevy of not-exactly-ugly women, all of whom are younger than he is.

For men, things like "having a fun personality" are secondary. They are "nice-to-have" but are not essential- until men start thinking about settling down and having families, which is when things get a bit trickier.

Men are not attracted, as a rule, to powerful hard-charging women. The exceptions to this rule are almost always effeminate or weak men, for whom strong independent women tend to offset their own personality issues.

Women, on the other hand, are attracted primarily to strength, power, wealth, and status. All other things being equal, given a chance to trade their current man for one who is richer and more powerful- but not necessarily better looking- most women would choose to "upgrade". (And those who don't will at least entertain the fantasy of doing so.)

For women, a man's looks are important- but they place far less importance on how their men look than we do on how our women look. A woman can be strongly attracted to an average-looking man because he has a sexy voice, because he is a big dude (thanks to being fit and strong), and because he is exceptionally intelligent and strong-willed. I speak from personal experience there.

So those are the general rules. Now let us apply them to the situation above.

Jeremy Clarkson is no woman's idea of a handsome chap. However, in terms of all of the other "boxes" that women like to have ticked, he pretty much gets all of them.

He is a very big guy- he stands 6' 5" tall. He is a world-famous celebrity, whose highly opinionated proclamations are recited chapter-and-verse as gospel by his die-hard fans (like me, and like several readers of my blog). He is worth many millions upon millions of dollars. His day job involves driving, testing, and commenting upon the most expensive and exotic cars in the world, in some of the most spectacularly beautiful locations anywhere. His power and public influence is such that entire divisions of the world's biggest car companies are known to be terrified of getting a bad review from him.

Is it any wonder, then, that the giant shaved orangutan (as his colleagues, and not a few of his fans, call him) is adored by women the world over, despite being fat and squidgy and quite ridiculous at times?

Class dismissed. Now go watch some TOP GEAR GRAND TOUR episodes on Amazon Prime*.

*To my immense delight, I recently discovered that Amazon has very charitably uploaded ALL of the episodes from the first 22 seasons of TOP GEAR for us to watch. So if I sound a bit more like Jeremy Clarkson than usual over the next six months, you will know why.


  1. "...socialite Jemima Goldsmith, 42, stylist Martha Ward, 40, artist Suzy Murphy, 52, and their pal Caro Hick, 42."

    Those women are all post-wall disasters. If he had some under 25 year old nymphs hanging off of him, I could then see cause for some envy and jealousy from other men. But there ain't nothin' to see here. 

    1. Young men certainly aren't jealous of him. You're right that those women are not desirable to young men.

      Relative to Jezza's looks- and let's face it, he's old and fat and ugly- he's actually not doing too badly.

  2. Wasnt jemima married to imran khan? She is a lost cause proves money and stus doesn't buy common sense or many other admirable qualities


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