The correct way to thank the Almighty
Dear Lord, as You know, for the last eight years I’ve tried to update this special prayer for this special day to account for changed circumstances and I just never could. Sorry, God, but, as I am sure You know and understand, I kept hanging up on the obvious opening line, “My Lord, my God, why have you forsaken us?”
Well, You sure came through for us this time. So, God, in humble gratitude to you, and in honor of this special day that marks the unique covenant between you and the United States, I offer this prayer.
We thank You, Lord, for the election. We thank You that Hillary Clinton, AKA Felonia von Pantsuit, will not be getting close to the White House china, silver, crystal, and furniture again. We and the shade of Abraham Lincoln also thank You that neither she nor her husband will be auctioning off nights in his bedroom anymore. We and Abe also offer a special thanks that none of us, and especially President Lincoln, will be faced with the prospect and reality of Huma Abedin taking Monica Lewinsky’s place under the Oval Office desk. Or, at least, not anymore.
Hmmm…speaking of Huma, Lord, could You maybe arrange for her to turn state’s evidence against her employer? It’s not so much that we want the Hildebeest prosecuted, which is fraught with all kinds of negative side effects, as that we think the suffering of betrayal would be good for her soul…yeah…that’s the ticket…good for her soul.Not buying that, huh, Lord? Well, please think about it some even so.
Lord, we thank you for the ponds, lakes, rivers, and oceans of tears shed by liberals and lefties all over the world, but especially here. Yes, Lord, we know it’s not nice to gloat, either…but, again, we think that suffering is good for the soul and, You know, there are some souls that desperately need some suffering.
We thank You, God, that most of the pollsters have been shown to be the untrustworthy, lying, partisan hacks we’ve long suspected they were.
And Lord, thank You, too, for the little things; that the investigation of the criminal money laundering machine that is the Clinton Foundation may proceed, unimpeded; that the kiddie trafficking ring alleged to revolve around a DC pizza joint may be likewise investigated and either legitimately dismissed, or that the perps each be properly sentenced to at least life and a day without possibility of parole, each with his own two hundred and forty pounds of pure muscle biker cellmate named “Bubba.”
Yes, Lord, we Catholics know: Purgatory for that sentiment. But even so…
We ask You, too, O Lord, to ensure that our president-elect, Donald Trump, remembers and keeps his promises to us, to build the wall, to deport the illegals, to stop further infiltration by unvetted Muslim terrorists, to denounce the trade agreements that have impoverished our working class, and that he remember, as well, that if he doesn’t we’ll toss his ass out of the White House in disgrace in four years.
We could in our vanity and arrogance ask for more, O Lord, that the four most left-leaning members of the Supreme Court go down in the same fiery plane crash, that California secede so that we can recognize it, mobilize against it, invade it, conquer it, crush it, and then restructure as a territory sin suffragio en perpetua, but that would be terribly presumptuous of us.
Besides, that’s what Christmas is for.
And finally, I give thanks to the Lord for the fact that I can say these words- which at certain points in the last 6 months I thought I would never be able to say: thank you, Almighty God, for PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP.