We are Forerunners. Guardians of all that exists. The roots of the Galaxy have grown deep under our careful tending. Where there is life, the wisdom of our countless generations has saturated the soil. Our strength is a luminous sun, towards which all intelligence blossoms... And the impervious shelter beneath which it has prospered.
Father, forgive me for these gains I am about to receive...
People often wonder why iron addicts like me use the words "gym" and "church" interchangeably. Our favourite bro-scientist, Dom, breaks it all down for you:
That may be the funniest BroScience episode yet- because EVERY SINGLE WORD IS ABSOLUTE TRUTH.
In all honest seriousness, though, there is a reason why powerlifters put ourselves through workouts that most sane and sensible people- we are not sane, sensible, or in many cases, people in the strictest sense- would consider flat-out stupid. It is because there is no feeling quite like conquering an impossible lift.
Powerlifters do not exaggerate when we say that the closest we have ever felt to God is when we are about to be crushed under some heavy weight.
For us, the iron is more than a mere religion. It is our harshest teacher, our truest friend, and our greatest test. It calls us to greatness.
And even though real iron workouts leave us sore and aching for days afterwards, we put ourselves through them anyway because the negative effects of these painful and difficult trials are completely outweighed by the tremendous benefits that the iron brings.
You sacrifice much when you devote yourself to the iron- rest, leisure, personal and family time. But you gain so much more.
The iron gives clarity, peace of mind, strength, compassion, and humility. There is no faster way to learn one's limits than to fail to lift a heavy weight, and there is no better way to learn just how far one can push oneself than to see weeks or months or years of hard work pay off by breaking through that barrier.
The iron teaches you who you really are, and what you are truly capable of.
In that respect, it is no heresy at all to state that the iron was crafted by the Almighty as a way for His children to achieve their maximum potential.
So the next time you see a big dude walking around covered in chalk dust wearing a lifting belt with a look on his face that makes him seem like an axe-murderer, just remember: he's attending church.
And like a lot of church-goers, he is actually likely to be a pretty decent guy- the iron addicts are almost always the ones who clean up after themselves, re-rack their weights, wipe off the bars and benches, and avoid loud grunts where possible.
But, please, for your own safety, do not do curls in the squat rack. Powerlifters consider this to be the ULTIMATE heresy- it's a bit like saying that the Virgin Mother, er, wasn't, or that the Lord Christ was a liar.
In fact, if we powerlifters had our way, the penalty for curling in the squat rack would likely be instant crucifixion. Upside down.
But that's probably a little extreme. So we'll settle for shooting you in the ass and tasering you in the nuts.
(Note: not "shot OR tasered". Shot AND tasered. The punishment must fit the crime, after all.)