So I was watching a comedy special starring Iliza Schlesinger the other day, who turns out to be a very funny young lady. Some of her stuff is a bit hit-or-miss, but other parts of her routines are side-splitting. The special in question was, I think, War Paint on Netflix- or something else that sounds exactly like the title of a great RUSH song.
Anyway, this "young" lady (she's actually a couple of years older than me, which means she ain't no spring chicken) had a moment in her routine where she dragged her dog out onto the stage and held her up, hugged close to her chest, about four feet off the ground, in order to create her own Sarah McLachlan-esque SPCA commercial.
The skit itself was funny enough, I suppose, but what really knocked me over was the expression on the dog's face.
You will not recreate this look on a human no matter how hard you try. The specific look was something that combined pants-wetting terror with the kind of face you make when your mother starts trying to use hipster vernacular in order to make herself sound... er... what's the modern phrase... "hip to the jive", I guess??? (Don't look at me, I have no idea how a hipster speaks. Mostly because, when a hipster opens his mouth, my first instinct is to punch him, hard.)
It was a look that said, "Put me down THIS INSTANT you stupid vapid blonde woman, or I swear before Dog Almighty that I will shit all over your pants."
It turns out, of course, that this is exactly what a dog thinks when you're doing something as galactically stupid as lifting up said pooch into an airborne hug:
And if you're really interested in learning how your dog thinks, see more of this sort of thing at Text From Dog.