Not quite that simple, mate

This is how lifting bros wish the world worked:


I got that from a not-exactly-unattractive lady who's been sending me some rather interesting WhatsApp messages of late. She knows, of course, that I lift, so make of this what you will. As far as I'm concerned, it's really just too bad she lives in another country- and on another continent. Ah well- plenty more girls on the tree.

Anyway- sadly, real life does not work quite like that cartoon would like you to believe it does. One does not simply walk up to a pretty girl, tell her that one lifts, and get her on her back screaming the Lord's name in vain within an hour on the merits of that statement alone- it takes slightly more than that.

(Could I just say, out of respect for Him- ladies, would you mind awfully finding someone else to scream about when doing... erm... that? I mean, it is the Second Commandment and all that, and it's just that, well, I'd rather not piss off the Big Fella Upstairs more than I usually do. It would be nice to show up at the Pearly Gates eventually and have St. Peter say, "Let's see... Didact... ah, yes, we have your table reserved right over there. Welcome- please make yourself comfortable, you're going to be here for a while.")

It would be nice if things were that simple, of course.

Think about it- the genes of men who beast out on a regular basis would proliferate throughout society, stupid bro-science heretical bullshit like "never squat deep- it's bad for your knees!!!" and "the squat rack is JUST the place to do 20 sets of curls with baby-weight!" would be stamped out, and there would be NO MORE FAT CHICKS; they would all be bred out of existence.

What a world that would be... Let's you and I imagine it for a bit.

The price of iron is high, America is swole, and the country's steelworkers are fully employed in producing squat racks and barbells.

The chromed-steel barbell is revered as the harshly uncompromising but resolutely fair teacher that it is.

No more land whales exist to be mistakenly harpooned by overzealous fishermen, or to walk around in skin-tight spandex showing off layers of blubber and thereby causing us blokes to lose our lunches in the process.

Fathers get to teach their boys learn how to lift with GOOD FORM, because strong and tough bodies are what attract girls.

Planet Princess is out of business and real steel gyms are flourishing.

There are NO MORE NEW YEAR'S GYM IDIOTS. (This would actually be a mild loss, as I do so enjoy mocking those assholes.)

Nobody does f@ck!ng CURLS in the SQUAT RACK. And if anyone does do them, he gets shot. In the arse. Multiple times. And then gets tasered. (That is not an overreaction, it is a thoroughly and totally justified punishment.)

No more jackassalopes doing jump-squats with weighted barbells on their backs.

Men are jacked, and women are fit.

It's... so beautiful... *sniffles*...

Dude, I'm getting manly tears of nostalgia in my eyes just writing about this. A world in which "reps for Jesus" isn't just a T-shirt slogan- Lord, where do I sign up?!?

Now, just think- if John Lennon had written a song like that, instead of the pussified Gamma-sperg nonsense that Beatles maniacs like to believe is his best song, the world really would be a wonderful place.

We can but dream. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the gym to do some squats. And deadlifts. After all:


Ayup.

Actually I think I might be able to find a better version:


It's not much of a war from my perspective, obviously, but you get the idea..

However, in the interests of resolute fairness, let us not forget bench presses:


The only problem I have with that is, of course, the fact that yon lady is using gym gloves.

Gentlemen (and ladies), never forget: gym gloves are for pussies. And not the fun kind that we guys really love. Don't use them. Yeah, your hands will get callused and rough- but what you don't realise is that this will happen even with gym gloves.

Besides, if you don't want to get your hands dirty... what the hell are you doing in a gym?!? Go do something else, like CrossShit.

Really just one

Comments

  1. One can dream.

    "it takes slightly more than that"

    But not much more. When I used to lift harder, I would get women coming up to me in restaurant bars where I hung out to feel my biceps. "You have such strong arms" they cooed.

    P.S. Fuck Crossfit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But not much more.

      True. Being jacked definitely makes the process easier.

      P.S. Fuck Crossfit.

      Amen.

      Delete

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