Black-knighting, level: Sh*tlord
When I announced I was going to be writing on plus-size Barbie dolls, you no doubt expected me to be wholly in condemnation of the concept. After all, isn’t this just another capitulation to the miserable, loveless “fat activism” set?
You no doubt expected that I’d stand with parents outraged that adult political hang-ups are being forced on their kids. Or focus groups of young girls who unwrapped “Curvy Barbie” only to laugh hysterically and talk about how fat she was. Surely, you’ll have been thinking to yourselves, Milo Yiannopoulos of all people would agree that Curvy Barbie is a blight on our toy shelves — an ugly stubbly beast that will grow up living in Skipper’s spare room running an Etsy store.
But you’d be wrong! Mattel may have foisted Curvy Barbie on us at the behest of feminists, but good things can sometimes happen for bad reasons. Firstly, let’s get the obvious out of the way: I’m gay. The more young girls are encouraged to become fat and unattractive, the better life gets for me. Every step fat-feminism takes towards victory means another wistful glance in my direction from otherwise-straight men. [Didact: God help us all...]
I also note that there has been no change to Barbie’s male equivalent, Ken. It seems he’ll remain a bronzed God, a veritable Michelangelo’s David of the toy aisle. That’s also good for me, because it means well meaning parents will continue to encourage their sons to get to the weight room early. By the time they turn 21,
they’ll be just right for meI mean they’ll be well-adjusted, healthy adults who won’t place a burden on western healthcare systems.
The combination of perfect bod Ken with Cellulite Thighs Barbie will also make women complacent. It’ll trick them into thinking that they can let themselves go and still get the perfect guy. Sorry ladies, but I don’t see Brad Pitt marrying Lena Dunham any day soon. [Didact: If that day ever comes, I would say that Angelina deserves full custody of all 47 of their kids. Any man who marries that human-shaped sack of feminist rice pudding, is clearly insane.]
That’s not to say that there won’t be any positive unintended consequences for women as they become more mindful of certain daily occurrences. Single flights of stairs, for instance. Passing people in the elevator. Getting into normal-sized cars without a pry bar. Squeezing into a supermarket to buy cat food and ice cream.