We are Forerunners. Guardians of all that exists. The roots of the Galaxy have grown deep under our careful tending. Where there is life, the wisdom of our countless generations has saturated the soil. Our strength is a luminous sun, towards which all intelligence blossoms... And the impervious shelter beneath which it has prospered.
January is, of course, the least favourite month of every gym rat on the planet.
This is when all of the noob lifters come in after making their New Year's Resolutions to "lose weight" and "be healthy" and "look good", etc. They flood the gym with their gloves and their girlfriends. They do nonsensical exercises involving Bosu balls and yoga mats and those gay-as-hell pink dumbbells. They leave devastation, un-racked weights, and the awful stench of failure in their wake.
But, here is the great thing about most of these people: by March, they leave, and they never come back. For gym owners, this is fantastic; it's literally free money.
A rational gym owner actually has every reason to hate people like me- the guys who come in so regularly that you can tell exactly what day of the week it is, and often what time it is, based on when and how we walk into the hallowed grounds of the lifter's paradise.
The purpose of this post is not to laugh at the noobs- I did that already, just like I do every year. Those people, I can forgive- after they go away and stop bothering me. The few of them that do stick around, grind it out, pay their dues, and actually make the effort to learn good form and proper depth and solid technique and all that, are upstanding human beings and I welcome their presence in the gym. (Just NOT in MY squat rack. Sod off and go get your own.)
No, the purpose of this post is to examine something far, far worse than that: the spectre of the gym idiot who comes to the altar of the iron god, and stays there, and NEVER EVER GETS BETTER.
Here are three examples of human beings so horrible, so devoid of worth or merit, that the God-Emperor Himself would doubtless order Exterminatus to be carried out upon them, yea, even as He does sit in stasis upon His Golden Throne.
1. The Three-Wheels Quarter-Squatter
We've all seen and hated on this asshat. He'll walk up to the squat rack while you're grinding out hard reps, and start throwing on plates. He walks around on legs like toothpicks while carrying a spare (tractor) tire. Often this particularly odious specimen of humanity is seen with a shaved head due to roid-induced baldness, and a douchestache-goatee to compensate for it, while wearing a deadlifting starter-kit belt. (I'm sorry to admit that I used to use one of these, before I learned from my mistake.) You'll observe him out of the corner of your eye tossing on the plates acting like he's actually going to do squats, and you cynically wait for the inevitable to happen.
Sure enough, he gets under the bar... starts to unrack it... walks it back... the descent into the hole beg- wait, was that IT?
Yep. Mr. Beer-Gut there went down maybe three inches, then went back up again and re-racked the bar.
As if that were not bad enough, these clowns come in at least two different variants that I have seen.
The first is the "EVERYONE needs to know it's Leg Day!" guy. This is the dipshit who first does that ridiculous quarter-squat workout described above, and then walks over to the leg press machine and proceeds to load it up with EVERY SINGLE 45LB PLATE IN THE GYM- because he wants you to know that he can totally press as much weight as Mariusz Pudzianowski could back in the day. The difference, of course, is that Mariusz would observe full range of motion- whereas this guy bends his legs at most thirty degrees.
So if you happen to be doing deadlifts on the same day as that numbnuts is in the gym... well, unfortunately, my friend, you are SOL.
The second variant is every squatter's least favourite non-lifter: the guy who takes 15 minutes between sets, and NEVER GOES TO DEPTH. I had the misfortune of encountering an example of each of these phenotypes in action the other night. I had to watch as my favourite squat rack was taken up first by a guy who wore knee wraps and a belt to squat 225lbs to at most a ninety-degree bend, and then saw another skinny Chinese dude take up the same rack and take a goddamn ETERNITY between sets. I was done with my entire workout by the time the second assclown was barely done with his so-called "squats".
Doing this didn't help matters much:
2. The "Date Night at the Gym" Guy
Look, I'm all for getting girls to lift. Especially cute ones. Women who go to the gym to get fit and toned are all right in my book. But, ladies, if you do this, LEAVE YOUR DAMN BOYFRIEND AT HOME.
The same applies for guys. The gym is NOT a place to take your girl on a date. Don't annoy the serious gym rats by smooching on your girl between sets unless you actually want us to use you as a punching bag at some point. You've been going to the gym a while, so presumably you know the basics of gym etiquette. One of those basics involves leaving women out of your lifts.
If you must bring your girl along to the gym, at least have the courtesy to stick to that obscure corner of the gym with bad lighting while you're making out. That way, the rest of us can keep our lunches down and get on with our deadlifts and bench press sets.
There is precisely one legitimate exception to the golden rule of leaving your woman at home when going to the gym. And that is if you are coming in to practice your muay thai on some pads.
Of course, if you actually have the first clue how to kick and punch, and you also happen to lift properly, you should have no problem kicking her, and your pads, straight through the nearest wall. Bringing her along may not actually prove to be quite as convenient or useful as you might have thought- because after she takes a kick like that, it's somewhat unlikely that she'll be happy (or conscious enough) to be your latest squeeze.
And last but not least, we have...
3. The Criminally Incompetent Spotter
Skip ahead to about the 5:24 mark in that video and you will see a prime example of a truly clueless spotter who very nearly caused a terrible accident.
Now, to be clear, I am NOT making fun of Chris Duffin. I NEVER mock true powerlifters- I don't care whether they're on the juice or not, I respect them immensely because they are far stronger and more dedicated to the steel than I am. And make no mistake, Chris Duffin is a badass.
I am making fun of that dumbass in the red shirt who very nearly lived up to the reputation of redshirts everywhere, and damn near got himself killed under an avalanche of steel.
In fact, I am quite shocked that he didn't feature in the six-o-clock news the next day. You can just see the announcement: "Bearded man with suspiciously large beer-gut in red shirt found impaled on a chromed-steel barbell outside of Chris Duffin's gym in a red shirt. Police have ruled the death an accident, based on eyewitness testimony from bystanders who swore on a stack of Bibles that they saw the victim ram a barbell up his own arse after a spectacularly failed heavy squat attempt by his employer. Sports and weather, next."
BONUS! More CrossFit Jackassery!
What would a gym idiots post be without mocking CrossFit?