STAR WARS VII: A Lost Hope
"All units, this is Black Leader..."
Plot? Who Needs a Plot?!
|Saw it, blew it up twice, got the shirt...|
- EEEEEEEEVIL Stormtroopers descend on backwater planet looking for somebody;
- Heroic Pilot Guy meets with Generic Beardy Dude to pick up Sooper Seekrit Information;
- HPG and his Plucky Droid Sidekick try to get off-planet in an X-wing (!!!!!!) but are foiled by EEEEEEEEVIL Stormtroopers;
- HPG orders PDS to am-scray and find help;
- Whiny Emo Vader shows off an amazing display of Force powers to capture HPG;
- EEEEEEEEVIL Stormtroopers then massacre innocent bystanders on WEV's orders, prompting the guy that Matt Forney hilariously called "Mace Dindu" to spontaneously grow a conscience and refuse to be EEEEEEEEVIL anymore;
- The movie then cuts to a shot of Mary Sue Heroine- and lots more about her shortly- gathering junk from a crashed Star Destroyer on a world that looks exactly like Tatooine, yet isn't;
- A whole bunch of pointless stuff happens, and then Mace Dindu and MSH somehow find themselves aboard the Millennium Falcon;
- Some more pointless stuff happens, and then Han Solo and Chewbacca enter the picture;
- Yet more pointless stuff happens, with MSH somehow discovering Luke Skywalker's old lightsaber (presumably because she is his daughter, which totally makes sense, dontcha know...);
- MSH gets captured, Mace Dindu and Han Solo and Chewbacca end up meeting Princess Leia, and somewhere along the way it is revealed that WEV is in fact the son of the scruffy nerf herder and the Princess of Alderaan- cue the DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!! music here;
- The plucky Resistance cobbles together a plan evidently written on used Kleenex to attack Starkiller Base, which just destroyed some Very Important Planets, or something;
- The attack commences, stuff gets blown up, a lot of other nonsense happens;
- The plucky Resistance WINS! Hooray!
- MSH finds Luke Skywalker... somehow... despite being completely clueless about almost everything, and we end the film on a ridiculously drawn-out sequence where Luke just stands there and stares a lot.
The Blandest Characters in the Galaxy
|Just kill them all off, already, I'm past caring|
One Mary Sue to Rule Them All
|Khaleesi Skywalker, I presume?|
- She manages to fend off two goons trying to steal from her who are roughly three times her size, while armed with nothing but a big stick and kickassitude;
- Despite practically crashing the Millennium Falcon when attempting to take off, twice, and with no experience of piloting anything as complex as a starship, she figures out all of the controls within 5 minutes and proceeds to execute combat manoeuvres worthy of Wedge Antilles himself;
- Even though Rey has never once left her home on Jakku to travel anywhere else, she understands Wookie-speak perfectly- yet Finn, a thoroughly combat-trained and indoctrinated stormtrooper, has no idea what Chewie is growling;
- When handed a blaster, she has no idea where the safety is or what it does- and yet, when she has to, not only knows how to arm the weapon but fires it with perfect accuracy at distances ranging from 10 to 30 metres;
- She has never once been trained in the uses of the Force, and yet somehow manages to summon up the ability to perform a Jedi Mind Trick on a hapless guard (played to maximum comic effect by Daniel Craig);
- Even though she has never been trained in lightsaber combat or any lightsaber fighting style, she fights with, and bests, a highly skilled Dark Side adept (who was admittedly wounded), who is far larger and much, much stronger than she is;
Wake Me Up When It's Fun Again
My cup of nerdrage is empty, because it never even began to fill up in the first place.
What did you think of STAR WARS VII: The Force Awakens? Put your thoughts in the comments below.