Emperor Butt-Pirate just ruined Star Wars for everyone
|May the Force help us all...|
There’s so much wrong with Star Wars that it deserves a book-length treatise to cover properly. After all, the famous Red Letter Media takedown of The Phantom Menace is longer than the film itself. For that reason I will focus on three of the worst mischaracterisations: the Rebel Alliance as good guys, the tragically misunderstood Jabba the Hutt, and Palpatine’s supposedly evil Empire.
This is going to upset some diehard fans, but who do you trust more? Milo, who always tells you the truth while being witty, charming, handsome and having great hair, or the filmmakers who tried to tell you that Jar Jar Binks is a hero? [Didact: I am forced to admit, very reluctantly, that he does have a point there.]
THE REBEL ALLIANCEThe Alliance is a ragtag band of fighters from many different cultures bonded together by a hatred of the Empire, fighting an asymmetric war resulting in massive collateral damage and loss of civilian life. They take their lead from mystics hiding in caves and swamps, and want to return the galaxy to a primitive religion that hasn’t changed for 600 years. That’s right nerds: the Rebel Alliance is ISIS.
The Jedi are a typical wishy-washy Mother Gaia-style progressive cult. Their most obvious failing is not using the real Force powers. Force lightning is actually quite humane; it’s like hitting a bad guy with a taser instead of cutting him in half with a lightsabre.
Same thing with force choke: do we really need to shoot a criminal resisting the will of the Emperor? Why not subdue him with a choke–or the term we use in the Sith community, enhanced persuasion techniques? Besides, in the far-flung universe of Star Wars, SJWs have ensured force-sensitive individuals get affirmative consent every 10 seconds while using their powers so there’s really no big deal.
The Jedi are sick bastards. They use the Force to cloud the minds of others. The movies show this being done to stormtroopers, but you just know Luke uses it on dates at the cantina. He probably uses it to get anal. I bet every Jedi has a BDSM dungeon that they use to force-torture unwilling victims. Any time they are told to stop they just wave their hand and say “That isn’t the safe word you are looking for.” Evil and rapey.
Based on what I'm reading and hearing thus far, it would appear that the rampant SJW entryism that I was afraid of has come to pass. John Nolte's review is a very peculiar one because it gives positive nods to some of the worst things that J.J. Abrams could possibly have done to the canon, which I rather do not expect from a Breitbart staff writer.
And now we're being told that there will be a new film released in the saga, with spin-offs and tie-ins and all that other nonsense, every year, for probably the next ten years.
If ever there was a classic example of flogging a dead
Indeed, I suspect J. J. Abrams could have saved a lot of time and money if he'd just made this into a feature length movie instead: