Open season on manginas


Larry Correia has been described in many ways, each one funnier and more accurate than the last. He calls himself the International Lord of Hate, and with great justification. Vox Day has been known to call him "The Mountain That Writes" and, in his latest book, as "a Six-foot-Five Bearded Murder Hobo"- a description that caused me to laugh so hard when I was reading that book at the airport that I came quite close to causing an international incident.

Judging by his latest efforts in mocking, humiliating, and utterly destroying the vapid pretensions of the metrosexual idiots within the "established" media, who presume to lecture the rest of us non-eunuchs about their nonsensical notions of masculinity, though, I think we're going to have to start calling him "Libtard Hunter".

And what an impressive kill he bagged this time, too:
My sons, as you go through life you will learn that libprog rags like the NYT, Slate, and HuffPo usually start their bullshit articles with a paragraph that sounds all sorts of reasonable. Beware. It is a trick. 
What follows is one dude’s bizarrely specific pronouncements, which range from preachy but passable, to full turnip. Now, if this jackass had just lived his life according to his own code, real men wouldn’t give a shit, but of course not… This is the New York Times, bastion of bullshit, which will not be content unless it is telling you how you’re living your life wrong.
Larry Correia wrote that particular "fisking" for his two sons, so that they might grow up to be manly and righteous men. His intention was that they would therefore be able to recognise complete asshats like this "Brian Lombardi" character, who wrote what has to be one of the most balls-out retarded advice columns this world has ever had the misfortune of seeing, on the subject of what it means to be a "modern man".

Mr. Lombardi's advice has to be seen in all of its monumental idiocy. That is the only way that you will actually believe that a really for real human male, presumably born with two identifiable and functional testicles and the equipment to use them for God's intended purpose, did in fact write such drivel.

Here is Mr. Lombardi's 27-point manifesto showing us knuckle-draggin' beer-swillin' gun-totin' inbred rednecks what it means to be a true man. Read it, if you can endure the rapid drop in your own testosterone levels from doing so:
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small. 
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is. 
3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus. 
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch. 
5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines. 
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night. 
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door. 
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton. 
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day. 
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away. 
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will. 
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out. 
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week. 
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone. 
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords. 
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away. 
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped? 
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn. 
19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry. 
20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield. 
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere. 
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper. 
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time). 
24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it. 
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will. 
26. The modern man cries. He cries often. 
27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.



I just... I can't... where do I... SERIOUSLY?!?!

Honestly, how does one even begin to analyse that ridiculous crap-pile of stupidity?

Mr. Lombardi contradicts himself at least four times, on the run. Once on the subject of phone charging levels- WHOGIVESATOSS, dude?! Once on guns. Once on excessive emoting. And at least once on beverages.

His taste in music clearly indicates that he's a roaring idiot- I mean, Wu-Tang Clan?! Really?!! When you could be listening to truly manly music, like IRON MAIDEN or SABATON, instead?

He seems to think that a melon baller is an essential tool for every man to have. No, not a cleaver, not a sharpening steel, not a power drill or hammer or saw or Leatherman multitool, not a Springfield 9mm. A MELON BALLER.

There is more stupidity embedded in those "27 Ways to be a Modern Man" than in the entire US Congress, combined. I'm actually surprised that a singularity didn't form at the Grey Lady's headquarters in Manhattan; the sheer weight of that much moronic nonsense would have caused a more respectable establishment to simply implode. Or are the writers there required to receive a mandatory lobotomy as part of their employment contracts?

Now, to be as fair as possible to the author- and believe me, it is hard to admit that he makes any kind of sense after that outpouring of blithering, gibbering, blasphemous asininity- I will say that he does actually have a couple of good points.

He is right about daughters. Any father- or, for that matter, any older brother with a decent age gap with his little sister- will state plainly that daughters and sisters can be a joy to be around. They are also utterly infuriating. But that is part of their charm. They keep us blokes on our toes, and if we are fortunate enough to form strong bonds with them, they give us a far better understanding of what it means not only to be a good man, but to be good at being a man.

And... um... actually, that's about it. Since I have never, not once in more than thirty years, seen my father buy my mother flowers "just because", I think point 19 is just a lot of hooey. But then, that's me. Maybe others think differently.

At any rate, after reading the Libtard Hunter's epic takedown of this gargantuan kaiju-sized load of absolute batcrap lunacy- and very nearly causing an incident at work, because I was laughing so hard- I thought that was the end of it.

But no- the always erudite Bill Whittle picked up on it and neatly wove Mr. Lombardi's anti-gun, anti-self-defence message into a purely red-blooded defence of the right to keep and bear arms:


Look, Mr. Lombardi, let me spell this out for you in simple English- which I know you don't speak, firstly because you are American, and secondly because you suffer from such a severe case of Rectal-Cranial Inversion that you don't know which orifice to use for communicating verbally with the rest of us.

Real men are strong, both physically and mentally.

Real men are not afraid to learn from our betters and, when necessary, to ask for their help.

Real men believe that self-defence is not only a right, it is an absolute, God-mandated OBLIGATION.

Real men know and understand, in our very bones, that our foremost duty is to protect our loved ones from anyone that would harm them. And we will use any means necessary to do it- up to and including guns.

Real men aren't hung up about what others eat, drink, watch, or do in their own free time, as long as none of those things interfere with our own ability to enjoy the fruits of our labours.

Real men understand that all of the stupid crap that you wasted so much precious type-space agonising over are simply details. We understand that no one gives a flying rat's ass about what kind of soap we use (as long as it doesn't stink to the heavens), or when it runs out, or who replaces it.

Real men understand that life is to be lived. Not spent worrying and obsessing over what other people think of you, or what you wear, or how you act in public, as long as you cause them no harm and leave them be.

And real men understand that the less time we spend on the kind of bilge that you and your kind produce, the better off our sons and daughters will be- because we will spend that time teaching our children to be strong, wise, compassionate, God-fearing individuals who love their country and their communities, and who will carry on our legacies by doing the same for their children.

So, gentlemen, place your orders for your Monster Hunter International tactical melon baller- complete with skull decal on the handle, lanyard loop, guaranteed to cut perfectly even in the most intense combat situations- and stock up on the assault rifles and ammo.



You can pay for it by cutting your subscriptions to libtard-infested cesspits like the New York Times.

Just think- cutting a year's subscription to the Grey Lady might just be enough to get you that AR-15 you've had your eye on for the past few weeks. And remember, for every real man who stops subscribing to an SJW-riddled sack of crap like the Times or Newsweek, a butterfly gets its wings.

And by "butterfly", I mean, of course:


Comments

  1. Larry's fisking of the gabbledegook was magnificent, no two ways about it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I suppose this means that the modern man is a homosexual with a family 'beard'.

    It's a good thing most men are still neanderthals, then.

    ReplyDelete

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