The only girl in tennis worth your time

Women's Tennis
Well, not HER ass, obviously
Normally, I could not be bothered in the least with discussing women's tennis. I find the women's game generally tedious and unbearable to watch, especially when Serena Williams, Maria ShriekaSharapova, and even the lissome Caroline Wozniacki are playing. They're all much of a muchness- there's no grace, elegance, or joy to be found in their styles of play, and they spend more time grunting (or, in their case, shrieking) than they do actually playing. All of the power, grace, and style that you'll find in a good men's tennis match is utterly lacking in the slow, boring, stale nature of the women's version.

For all of their silly feminist bleating about "unequal pay" within the game, they put fewer butts on seats, they play shorter matches, and they don't provide anything like the entertainment value of their male counterparts.

Quite simply, women's tennis does not deliver value-for-money, and that is precisely why female players do not get, and should not be, paid as much as their male counterparts.

On occasion, however, there are the odd one or two female tennis players who come along and show an unusual combination of beauty, grace, power, and skill on the court. Back in the days when I was growing up, ever so long ago, there was a woman by the name of Stefi Graf who dominated women's tennis to such a degree that I'm convinced she's the only woman, ever, who could give modern-day legends like Pete Sampras or Roger Federer a real test.

Some time later, another woman came along by the name of Justine Henin, who wasn't much to look at, but had the kind of flowing, all-court game and wicked top-spin backhand that really made you sit up and take notice. While she was never driven, physically fit, or versatile enough to become the kind of utterly dominant force that Ms. Graf was back in her day, Ms. Henin was still quite entertaining to watch.

It's been a while since we've had anything like Ms. Graf or Ms. Henin come along; women's tennis is something of a joke these days given that a woman can become World No. 1 and stay there for a good while without actually winning a single Grand Slam tournament.

There is, however, one player on the tour right now who has quietly and without much fuss managed to establish herself as a rather interesting character to watch.

That player is Simona Halep, from Romania, who is in most respects really quite ordinary.

Seriously, try to pick her out from the lineup
She's not tall like Maria Screechapova. She's not really a stunner like Eugenie Bouchard or Ana Ivanovic- both of whom suffer from severe cases of Kournikova Syndrome. She's not hyper-aggressive or overly masculine like Serena Williams. And she's not dramatic.

I can't emphasise this last point enough, by the way. There are few things in life better than watching a great tennis match on a widescreen TV with full surround sound- it's the next best thing to being right there in the stadium, with the added benefit of not having to be seated next to the drunken sweathog who can't stop his fat rolls from sagging into you every time he bellows out a boozed-up cheer for whoever won the last point.

With women's tennis, however, this stupid trend of women shrieking every time they hit a shot is getting so prevalent that if you put one of their matches on with the volume up, it's going to end up sounding like some bizarre cross between a hardcore porn flick and a not particularly interesting spectator sport.

Even if your ears are hardy enough to withstand the resulting assault, your neighbours are going to be giving you very odd looks and asking you some rather pointed questions about just exactly what it is you do to keep yourself entertained in the evenings.

Really, just try to get through watching this clip of the Screechbat and her rival for the title of World's Most Irritating Screamer, Michelle Larcher de Brito, from a couple of years back, without wanting to hurt something. I think I managed to make it through about the first 7 seconds, then had to bail:

Simona Halep doesn't bother with any of these dumb theatrics. She just gets on with the business of playing.

And, as far as girls go, well, she can play:

There is, however, one thing about her that I sort of don't like. Admittedly, this is because I'm a raging male chauvinist pig (though you knew that already, otherwise you wouldn't be here), but I have to admit, I kind of preferred Ms. Halep back when she was short and stacked, rather than just... short:

Before and after: Simona Halep has flown up the rankings since her ...

That's right. Simona Halep underwent breast reduction surgery because her epic boobs were getting in the way of her ability to play well.

In case you're wondering whether this is really that big a deal, well, yes. Yes, it is:

Simona Halep Breast Reduction? » Simona Halep Before Breast Reduction

All of that being said, she's still not exactly a minger.

That smile of hers sure helps
I still consider women's tennis to be, on the whole, a colossal waste of time and money. If, however, you happen to chance upon a women's tennis match featuring one Ms. Simona Halep, though, it might be worth sticking around to see how it pans out. She is smart, tactical, skillful, modest, unassuming, and very easy to like.

You could do worse for an evening's entertainment than watching this girl bat balls around a court.


  1. THANK YOU! I could not remember the name of the bird who got them reduced so she could play.

    Smile, long hair, Romanian, attractive... rather better than Earl Campbell in a dress Williams sisters.

    1. She really is quite a charming young lady. No real drama, doesn't seem to kick up much of a fuss, and manages to be both feminine and athletic at the same time.

      Unlike Serena, she doesn't look like she'd tear your man-parts off with her teeth while staring you in the eyes and then swallowing without bothering to chew, just to show you how weak you are.

      And, unlike quite a lot of women in the WTA, she's quite fit- Richard Krajicek once very uncharitably, but very accurately, called three-quarters of the top 100 female tennis players "fat pigs". Simona Halep is the exact opposite of that.


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