So a feminist walks into a conservative conference...

Amen, Baldy
... and much to her immense surprise, is NOT immediately killed and eaten:
The night before, Anna Merlan and I had gingerly made our way from our Uber to the steps of a place I heard referred to as “The Embassy,” “The Breitbart Mansion,” and “that place where they have that big party,” unsure of what kind of murder situation we were willingly entering. We’d been invited by a man we’d never met before who spotted us and told us to come to a party in a strange city, miles from our hotel, something no self-respecting urbanite would do unless they were interested in having a kidney stolen. Later, I’d confirm that our welcoming committee was Stephen K. Bannon, a screenwriter, a commentator, and a gregarious shit talker who called me a “commie” with a twinkle in his eye within 30 seconds of properly meeting me. Steve is at once too brash and too canny to commit murder. I feel safe attending this party. I think. 
“THESE TWO LADIES ARE MY GUESTS!” Steve bellowed as we approached the stairs. And with that, the two security guards stationed outside stepped aside, and we entered a room packed wall-to-wall with what has been called CPAC’s “Most Impressive.” This year, in honor of everybody’s favorite television program Duck Dynasty, the party had a bluegrass n’ moonshine theme. There was a live band. There were hay bales. There were cute female bartenders in plaid shirts. A water cooler full of whiskey sour. There was a picnic basket full of Twinkies and other cellophane wrapped snack foods. A catering staff. Cigars. So many cigars. 
What is it with conservative men and cigars?
[... ]

The conservative conference's most blustery saber-rattling occurs in a large room with the capacity to hold thousands of Regulars and hundreds of Media People and their dozens of cameras. The Regulars filter in and out as their interest waxes and wanes during the nonstop parade of speakers; the ambient sound of the space is this coming and going, bodies jammed up against each other during marquee speeches and then separated by dozens of chairs during lulls. When the room fills up and the important figures take the stage, it's a truly epic celebration of bombastic talking points. 
The main stage speeches are pure dick-measuring contests, as are all speeches at all political events. Every speech answers a set of key conservative hot button issue-related questions: 
  1. How great is America? (The best fuckin' country in the history of the world! *guitar riff*)
  2. What about Common Core? (Best answer, by Donald Trump: "Common core is bad! Bad! Second Amendment good!")
  3. How do you feel about the Second Amendment? (Second Amendment GOOD.)
  4. Abortion? ISIS? Obama? Hillary Clinton? The Affordable Care Act? Amnesty for undocumented immigrants? Unions? Taxes? (BAD! All very bad!)

By the second day of the convention, the main stage speeches (with a couple of exceptions) sounded so numbingly similar that they began to melt into each other, like a binge read of the Fox Nation comment section with all of the swears and misplaced homonyms taken out. Even the so-called "Lightning Round" of post-speech word association couldn't break up the monotony, although it made a noble attempt.
I'm not going to link to the actual article, because it goes to Jizzabel's site, and it's difficult to think of another site that makes contracting genital herpes so much more attractive than the idea of visiting it. The Breitbart story has the link, if you have masochistic tendencies and enjoy reading puerile trash written by an "edgy" woman who in reality has a smaller vocabulary than a dyslexic rapper trying to find a word that rhymes with "truck".

Snark aside- it always amuses me to see reactions like this from liberals and leftists. Because of the blinkers imposed by their ideology, they are often incapable of understanding how anyone could possibly think differently from them. Their entire worldview stems from the belief that Man is perfectible, and that with sufficient, er, persuasion, his flawed and fallen character can be suitably modified so that his darker side can never express itself.

Those of a more conservative (small-c) cast of mind know better.

We know and understand that Man is not perfectible; he is what he is. We know that every previous attempt to correct Man's flaws has ended in disaster, catastrophe, and suffering for untold millions.

We know that the world operates according to certain laws and rules, the true nature of which may well be hidden to us, but whose effects we can easily see and comprehend.

And we know, because we have not had our faculties of sight and reason clouded by the blindness of ideology, that our colleagues on the Left are not merely delusional, they are downright dangerous when given the power to attempt to make their delusions reality.

In other words, we see them for what they are: flawed, fallen, human.

But, because of their ideology, they see us as cartoon characters and monsters from superstition. According to their way of thinking- which is the only way of thinking that allows them to handle the immense cognitive dissonance that they see when they meet us in real life- we are surely the most eeeeeevil of all evil things.

Why, if people like me were put in power, gays would be strung up from the rafters every time they walked into a bar! Poor abused single mothers would be raped nightly in the streets! Everyone would demand the right to a fully loaded M1-A1 Abrams tank and would USE it to make the streets run RED with BLOOD! Women everywhere would be enslaved by men!! The sick and dying would be thrown out of hospitals and care facilities to suffer in misery on the streets because no one could get health care!!! Cats and dogs would be living together!!! IT WOULD SNOW IN JULY!!!!! THE WORLD WOULD END!!!!!!!!!

I exaggerate, but only just
The young lady who wrote what is an otherwise unreadable article was shocked to discover that her ideological opponents were in fact real, genuine people who are fully capable of putting aside petty things and being not only civil, but genuinely friendly in public. This is not shocking to the rest of us, it's merely a fact of life. But to a young feminist, it has to be the closest thing to a "Road to Damascus" moment as they'll ever get.

This is what makes ideology- of any kind, whether liberal, libertarian, anarchocapitalist, or whatever- so dangerous. It blinds you to reality, and makes you miss out on things that would otherwise enrich and beautify your life.

All of us, by the way, are guilty of falling prey to ideology at some point and to some degree. The world is simply easier to understand if you reduce it down to easily digestible binary, mutually exclusive attributes. Reality is not merely black and white, there are lots of shades of grey in between that are knotty and difficult to see through.

Ultimately, though, choosing to view things as a conservative or a paleolibertarian means accepting a number of very unpleasant and very painful facts of life. You can call this process of learning whatever you like- a lot of us, me included, call it "taking the red pill"- but it comes down to the same basic thing: the world is NOT going to bend to our silly notions about it, and we have to deal with it as it is, not as we want it to be.

The writer for Jizzabel, one Ms. Erin Gloria Ryan, might just be one step closer to figuring that out now that she's gone to CPAC. One can only hope and pray for her that she is.

Oh, and Ms. Ryan, one more thing- conservative men like cigars for very simple reasons. They smell pretty good- I personally cannot stand cigarette smoke, but I have few problems with a really good, fragrant cigar. They are products of a refined, strong, successful culture. And they make a man look like an almighty badass.

clint eastwood Cigar Celebrity
Clint Eastwood. The defence rests.


  1. "By the second day of the convention, the main stage speeches (with a couple of exceptions) sounded so numbingly similar that they began to melt into each other, like a binge read of the Fox Nation comment section with all of the swears and misplaced homonyms taken out. Even the so-called "Lightning Round" of post-speech word association couldn't break up the monotony, although it made a noble attempt."

    Right. As though a left wing conference would be any less spine-rattlingly repetitive?

    "Women need more rights!"
    "What about women!"
    "Men are hateful and need to LEAN IN!"
    "These immigrants are WOMEN, TOO! They should be ushered in with everything ready for them!"
    "Misogyny is EVERYWHERE!"
    "Why aren't there more women leaders/scientists/ball-busting badasses?"
    "Did we mention WOMEN NEED HELP?"
    "WOMEN! It's all about WOMEN."


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