"Dating is tiring", she says...

Re: D&D Demotivators: Return to Unnormal
Thing is, though, I'm not exactly inclined to disagree with this lady's rather frankly expressed sentiments: 
The New Rules of Sex is part of the current zeitgeist for sex-saturated books that took off with the global blockbuster Fifty Shades of Grey. Like E L James’s bestseller (before it got snapped up), the book is self-published and sexually explicit. But there the similarities end. 
This is not a work of erotic fiction but a non-fiction book designed to give women permission to explore sex outside the conventional boundaries of marriage and monogamy. “Women are so insistent on partnership and marriage,” says its radical-thinking author, “because culture gives them no other format for sustained and socially approved sexuality and love.” 
The book opens in Paris. It’s a balmy evening and Lauren is dressed in a “peach summer dress” that ripples across her body “like bed sheets”. She is an experienced internet dater, she tells us, who has dated “the full spectrum of French men”. [Didact: I'm guessing this range starts with "Vaguely garlicky" and ends with "Like sucking on a garlic press"?]
Before we can feel sorry for Lauren – All those dismal dates! All those dead ends! – she drops her first bombshell. Lauren’s internet adventures included a threesome with a Russian woman who was “already naked” when she arrived at the apartment.
“Lauren,” I say. “I have to ask you about the naked Russian woman on the opening page of your book. Did you run away?” 
Lauren reaches for a cucumber sandwich. “It took me a long time to warm up.” 
I wonder if it’s too early for a gin and tonic. 
Lauren’s story goes like this: aged 27, relationships “suddenly came to a stop”. Faithful, monogamous males became as rare as Sumatran rhinos. “I looked around and saw there were many single people around me, all of them attractive, talented and intelligent people,” she says. “Some of them hadn’t been in a relationship for years.” 
“Ah!” I say. “We have the same problem in London and friends tell me things are no better in Rome, Barcelona and Tokyo.” 
“One of my good friends hasn’t had sex for 12 years,” says Lauren. 
“Is she very miserable?” I ask, even though this type of drought strikes me as perfectly normal. 
“No,” says Lauren. “She has a dog.” [Didact: "Dog" is an elastic term with women. Chihuahuas ARE NOT dogs.] 
Instead of buying a pet like her friend did, Lauren decided to take a string of lovers. “I don’t believe in putting your energy into waiting for the perfect partner to come along,” she says. “I believe in looking at what’s there.” 
Graphic accounts of Lauren’s sex life are interspersed with brief entries on everything from why Samoans are more sexually liberated than we are to how eating chilli peppers produces oxytocin, the “bonding” hormone. It’s a dizzying read. One moment Lauren (a trained midwife) is telling us about the virtues of using doulas during childbirth, the next she is kicking off with an X-rated passage about sex in the passenger seat of a truck. 
The underlying message is that sex – in all its myriad forms – is natural, normal and human, but there are moments reading the book when I feel embarrassed on Lauren’s behalf. “I wanted to share my not-pretty side,” says Lauren. “I thought it was important not to put myself on a pedestal.” [Didact: That, coming from a woman, has got to be a first.]
Lauren studied humanities at the University of California, Los Angeles and grew up in a Christian household in Orange County. Her grandfather drove around in a minibus with the words from John 3:16 inscribed on the side. Lauren doesn’t go to church any more but believes in a “divine creator of this universe”. She has never had a British boyfriend but finds other cultures “sexy”. 
She tells me she has slept with just shy of 100 people. [Didact: Not the worst I've ever heard.] That’s considerably more than Nick Clegg, but perhaps level with Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha in Sex and the City (a combined tally of 95 according to the New York Daily News). And she believes in polyamory. Yes, you need to learn new words to get your head around this.
This lady's basic point is that sex is the fun part, so why not skip all of the unnecessary formalities and get straight to the point?

Now, because I am male and therefore capable of rational thought, at least some of the time, I have to admit, she actually does have a very good point.

Looking at what she says from the perspective of an extreme introvert, who likes his privacy and his quiet time, it is difficult to argue with her main point. Let's face it: dating, like any social interaction, requires putting on a mask. The game-aware man has to put on a persona that gets him what he wants (sex) without forcing him to give up what he has (commitment). If you look at accomplished players and pickup artists, you'll see that the personas that they wear in public are not necessarily the people that they are underneath.

With practice and time, this front becomes easier to adopt, but there is no question that it takes a great deal of time and energy to craft properly. If all you're interested in is getting to sex as fast as possible, what then is the point of going through all of the ritual and difficulty and expense of courtship?

Moreover, she has a good handle on the realities of modern dating: monogamy and faithfulness are the exceptions nowadays, not the norm. The reality is that a monogamous and happy relationship in the West is something of an anomaly. It is possible to find couples who have gotten used to each other. But are they necessarily happy? Are they sexually satisfied, given that the male need for sexual variety is every bit as strong as, and possibly even stronger than, the female need for reproductive security?

In fact, in many respects, Ms. Brim reminds me very much of what one would get if one took a highly rational and highly driven extreme introvert like Halfbreed or Blackdragon, stripped him of his brain, and parked it in a woman's body. Blackdragon actually did an entire write-up on exactly what such a woman would look like, and it caused some very serious arse-pain even among some of his most loyal fans. I have no doubt that Ms. Brim's story inspired similar invective from all sides- from traditionalists appalled at her glib disregard for monogamy and marriage, to feminists who find her willingness to be a male plaything to be more than a little distasteful, to sexual deviants who think she's too straight-laced. (Okay, maybe that last one doesn't apply so much.)

In many ways, Ms. Brim's tale is one of female empowerment. She's basically saying that women should explore their sexuality as much as possible, that sex is normal and good, and that both men and women should experiment as much as possible to keep themselves sexually and emotionally satisfied.

Again, looking at this logically, a good deal of what she is saying makes a great deal of sense and I am not immediately inclined to disagree.

However, there is more to her story. And once you begin paying attention to a few background details, you realise very quickly that one would be hard-pressed to find a worse role model for modern young women.

First, consider this: Ms. Brim is 31. She looks like this:

Thirty-one, my ass
I see plenty of women in their late twenties and early thirties. I don't think I've ever seen a woman aged thirty-one who looks like she's forty-one.

And that is in the best possible light with the aid of Photoshop and every trick in the copy-editor's book to make her look as good as possible. Yet she still looks like... well, I'm trying to find a polite way to say "used-up dishrag".

It could be that my eyes aren't what they used to be. (Unlikely, since I have perfect vision.)

It could be that the lighting is bad. (Possible, since that photo was taken in London- which is so well known for its preponderance of sunshine...)

Or it could simply be that a happy, healthy woman of 31 isn't supposed to look like she's prematurely aged with such a heavily lined face and forehead. But hey, what do I know about such things...

Second, consider that she states, openly, that she has slept with "just shy of 100 people". Note- not just men, not just women, but people. She has openly admitted to having threesomes, she is not ashamed to admit to having sex in public, and she has no issues with polyamory.

We in the Androsphere know full well that high-N women are, at some level, deeply damaged. This is not news. A woman who has sex with many men is at some level devalued. I've pointed this out in various forms in the past; a woman's value is maintained in her looks, beauty, and chastity. A woman who squanders these things profligately is cheapened by that process, until she ends up alone, damaged beyond repair.

(As for polyamory- well, I refer you once again to Blackdragon, whose post on the "Two Cows" of relationships covers this concept rather well.)

Ms. Brim is clearly not alone at the moment. As she says, she has 8 lovers on the go in various parts of the world- in fact, she approaches sex and dating very much as a man with high sex drive would.

The problem with acting this way comes back to another Androsphere concept. We know and accept that a woman's sexual market value peaks at a certain age. Attractive, highly-sexed women can make that market value last a bit longer, but ultimately, Ms. Brim is going to discover a very painful reality about her lifestyle.

She certainly has every right to enjoy her lifestyle for as long as she can and have sex with as many men as she wants. But at some point, she will become invisible to the attractive men that she wants to sleep with, and at that point, reality will hit with a vengeance.

At that point, with a very high N, Ms. Brim will likely be forced to settle for a low-SMV man who either does not know about, or is willing to tolerate, her past. That is not a recipe for a happy relationship and usually ends in bitterness and acrimony.

And here we come to the reality that both Ms. Brim and the Telly's correspondent don't seem to want to acknowledge. That future of loneliness, bitterness, and faded beauty is what Ms. Brim's lifestyle will result in for almost ALL of its adherents, virtually without exception. The very few that do manage to escape that fate will do so through extraordinary good fortune, not through physical beauty or charm. Every courtesan, every "Companion", every whore always reaches her "Sell By" date eventually.

Some have the good sense to understand that and do what they can to mitigate the effects. But based on Ms. Brim's comments above, I'm not sure she is one of those lucky few.

Women need to understand that, just as men are subject to sexual desire- sometimes to a fearfully strong degree- but are usually capable of restraining those impulses, so too must they act with restraint and chastity. Indeed, for women, it is far more important to do so, for unlike men, the value of a woman is directly tied to her relative chastity.

A woman who squanders that value, as Ms. Brim has done, will ultimately be weighed, measured, and found wanting. And when that happens, the results are never pretty- they are, in fact, deeply sad to see.


Popular Posts