You don't DESERVE to get married

& Goddess Self merged deeply as One in Divine Marriage. Twin Flames ...
What most men and women THINK marriage should be like
There has been some good commentary floating around over the last couple of weeks on the subject of why marriages don't work. Now, guys like me tend to do a lot of complaining about why women aren't worth marrying these days, and why men need to take proactive steps to protect ourselves from the dangers of the modern legal system when marriage fails.

We do NOT seem to spend enough time asking exactly why things are as bad as they are today for people looking to settle down and get married. A few writers tackled this independently and individually to explain the real source of the problem:

Men.

Men like you and me.

We Created This Disaster...

Blair Naso over at RoK kicked off the post-Christmas season by arguing that most men don't deserve a good woman to marry:
Here in the manosphere, we are often accused of chauvinism, writing as though women ruined society and men are fantastic at everything. People moan about how badly they want a good girl but just cannot find a viable candidate. Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Who said you deserved one yourself? 
The cold reality is that the modern American man is not much better than the modern American woman. If you really believe that patriarchy is the natural order of things, then realize that feminism only exists because men allowed it. [Didact: 100%, absolute, complete truth.] Let that sink in. You are the ones that create the monster of the modern western woman. You complain about how terrible the modern western woman is, but you are the ones that permit them to be this way. [...] 
You can go on the internet and complain like there is no hope, but feminism would end in a generation if men started acting like they had a dick in their pants. You think most women really want to be ball-cutting, independent sluts? Women have no idea what they really want. Deep down they all have a Disney princess fantasy, and the average nubile co-ed would gladly drop out of college if she found a man who actually made her happy
Women want to possessed by a man. It is in their nature to be unable to articulate what they really want, but frankly it should be obvious to the menfolk who by nature are expected to lead. If American Jane can be manipulated by faceless propaganda, how much more so by a man whom she is absolutely in love with and could not imagine her life without?
It's a great article and I highly recommend that everyone who visits this blog, whether in a marriage (happy or otherwise), or not married at all, go read it.

Blair Naso is essentially arguing that, if men want to marry good women, they must first better themselves by becoming strong, confident, and willing to lead.

None of this is new. These and other similar arguments are the Schwerpunkt (focus) of the Manosphere. Far better men than I have elucidated the same things in various forms for years. And I've been saying similar things for some time. I have argued quite strongly that any man who doesn't want to take on the necessary self-improvements needed to become the unquestioned king of his castle and head of his family, simply shouldn't bother getting married.

When you combine the fact that marriage is a damned expensive proposition, with the fact that you can't just let yourself slide as a married man, it isn't surprising that most men who have woken up to the realities of the modern SMP want nothing to do with marriage.

It is in human nature to take the easy way out, to seek the path of least resistance. Staying single and living free and happy is easy. A man with even a modicum of game and masculinity can do quite well living the Keith Richards lifestyle for much of his life.

Most men who have NOT woken up, however, follow the path that society lays out for them: go to school, go to college, get a good job, get married, have kids. Buy a Volvo- or, worse, an MPV- and then spend the rest of your life slowly turning beige, until such time as your wife proclaims she's unhaaaaaaaappy and divorce-rapes you in court, then pulls your genitalia out via your wallet.

There can be no question that this pattern is absurd and completely unjustifiable at any level. However, we have to ask ourselves why it keeps happening like this.

It keeps happening because, as Blair Naso points out, we men have let it happen. We fell asleep on the job. We see the wreckage of a once-proud and mighty culture surrounding us, but few of us have the sense to acknowledge that this disaster took place on OUR watch. WE let feminism in through the gates. WE enabled it. WE allowed the cultural Marxists, sodomites, hedonists, and slime peddlers of the Left take over every one of the institutions that matter- even the Holy Mother Church.

This is a catastrophe of OUR creation. And God help us, but we're paying the price for it. Just ask Carey:
That does not negate the truth: that men were given a job to do and we’ve failed. I’m among the cowards myself because for years, I believed the feminist hype and nonsense. I lost a marriage due to many reasons, not the least of them being that I’d fallen down hard on the job as a man, as a husband, and the entire structure collapsed. I didn’t get back up until too many years later. People act as though marriage means nothing. Truth is, if we truly marry ourselves to someone else and take on their desires to support, spend time with them intimately and live together, it is nigh on impossible to ever truly cut those bonds. As should be the case. What is marriage for if it has no real effect on two people? I will always pay the price internally for my part in the failure of that marriage and for splitting that marriage in two, apart from her responsibilities in the collapse.

... And Only We Can Fix It

And no cheese, either, we're not French
The problem with complaining about how bad things are for men who want to get married is just that- we're just whining about it.

And if we're just whining, then we're doing exactly what whiners do- we're avoiding facing up to our own failures to fix the problem.

We are men- fixing s**t that's broken is what we were born to do.

However, the process of fixing what is broken has to start from within. It has to start by recognising that men need to have realistic expectations for marriage and need to understand themselves as fully as possible.

Do The Damn Work

Men have become conditioned over the last century to think that marriage is just "what happens when you're ready" to settle down. Nothing is mentioned of the immense amount of work that marriage involves- and make no mistake, a marriage is really bloody hard work.

If you think that a marriageable girl is just going to drop into your lap one day if you wish upon a star hard enough, you thoroughly deserve to get your ass hauled into court ten or twenty years later and have your life torn away from you- because you didn't put in the work. These days, there is a lot of work and thought that a man has to do before he can get married.

Since this is all about solving a pressing and difficult problem, let's start by suggesting some solutions.

Know What You Want

Do you want a doormat of a wife who will slavishly wait upon you hand and foot and will be totally submissive to your every whim?

Do you want a woman who will serve as a supporting partner and companion in your life?

Do you want to marry a rich woman, or a poor one?

Do you want children?

Do you want to marry a homebody or a social butterfly?

There is a whole lot more to this- I wrote up a brief checklist on the subject over a year ago, and it barely scratches the surface. Ultimately, the only way a man should ever consider getting married is if he knows exactly what he wants, and has found a woman who meets those requirements.

Know Where to Compromise

If you look at the most hard-line anti-marriage types within the Manosphere (like, say, Blackdragon), their objections to marriage are not made solely on financial or logical grounds. They express a deep distaste for and dislike of drama. Basically, their arguments against marriage focus on the fact that marriage involves compromise.

It simply cannot be put any differently. Every successful marriage that I have seen that works involves two people working hard to be compatible with each other.

By contrast, the marriages that I have seen fail have done so because at least one party in the marriage absolutely refused to compromise over specific critical issues- whether they involved money, children, time spent together, career decisions, or whatever.

If you're unwilling to compromise over the little stuff, trust me when I say this: you're not ready to get married.


Know Where to Draw Lines

Just as important as compromise is the need to be unbending over certain specific principles. Those principles vary from man to man according to each one's specific desires, circumstances, and focuses. In my case, my health and fitness are things I simply will not comprise over. I'm not going to say I live an optimal lifestyle, but I am in reasonable shape and I remember full well what I was like before, and I know I won't go back to that.

The problem is, most women would find it very difficult to accept taking a back seat to the gym or the sparring mat on a weeknight where I get back at 9pm and don't spend any time with anyone else before hitting the sack. And rightly so.

Remember also that, as I've written in the past, sex is simply non-negotiable. If your woman ever used sex as a weapon against you at some point during the courtship phase, it's guaranteed that she will do that to you when married- but with far more dire consequences. In my view, the withholding of sex is a deal-breaker and must be viewed as a serious violation of trust.

Know Your Limits

Let's look at the question of whether you deserve to get married another way. By now I hope I've made it clear that any man who looks to marry needs to earn that marriage. Earning a good woman to marry means improving yourself, knowing yourself, and knowing your woman.

But there is another dimension we have not considered: happiness.

Blackdragon conducted a great thought experiment last year in which he compared the results of asking red-pill versus blue-pill types about what was more important when it came to a relationship with a woman- happiness, or longevity.

The results were very interesting.

red pillblue pill

By huge margins, the red-pill types prioritised happiness over longevity. This means that the red-pill men surveyed were much more willing to walk away from a relationship the moment they became unhaaaaaappy.

Sounds a lot like chick-logic, doesn't it? I'll come back to this in a moment.

By contrast, the blue-pill types valued longevity over happiness. In other words, they were willing to put up with drama in order to ensure a long-lasting marriage.

The problem with the blue-pill mentality is illustrated by Blackdragon's experiment quite well. You see, by being willing to put up with nonsense in order to hold on to their relationships with women, the blue-pill types actually help ensure that their relationships will fail.

Think about it. What happens when a previously strong and dominant man finds himself grovelling before his woman in order to ensure that she won't walk out the door? She generally ends up walking out anyway, but not before subjecting said man to vastly more drama and tension. The outcome becomes all but inevitable, but the suffering involved increases greatly.

Stock Images: Girl with hammer

Contrast this with the red-pill view, which says that happiness is paramount. This mindset by definition means that any drama or BS that a woman pulls is going to meet with an immediate and overwhelmingly negative reaction. If your married-man game is tight enough- and if you've put in the work, it will be- then you'll be able to handle that drama quickly and efficiently.

But what if you have close-to-zero time or tolerance for drama?

Then don't get married. EVER.

Marriage WILL involve drama. It's simply inevitable. That is what happens whenever two different people live in close proximity to each other and have to learn how to deal with each other's harsh edges and faults and foibles.

And let's not be too biased about this- men screw up in relationships all the time. We're men. We're not perfect, no matter how much we might like to think we are. We get things wrong. We're selfish, arrogant, and insensitive at the wrong times. We make mistakes. DRAMA IS GOING TO HAPPEN, so all you can do is be somewhat ready for it and know how to handle it.

Never Stop Improving

The fastest and easiest way for a man to screw up a marriage is if he stops trying to improve himself. If he simply becomes content to sit in the same old rut every day, refuses to maintain his strength, his health, his fitness, his status in the household as the unquestioned patriarch and leader, then his family life will suffer in turn.

Don't be entitled about marriage. You're not entitled to a damn thing that you haven't earned. You have to prove that you're worth a good woman- and once you've proven it, that woman has to prove that she is worthy of you. If either side of that balance is disrupted, the relationship won't last long- or, worse, it'll last for decades but will be bitterly unhappy.

So choose wisely, and choose well. But remember, your choices have consequences. If you choose to marry, I wish you the very best of good fortune and happiness; as I've said, I support monogamous marriage and I believe it's still the only approach that has repeatedly proven to work throughout history. But don't think that getting married is the easy choice. It's the hard choice. As it damn well should be.

Comments

  1. I can't disagree with anything you have said.

    But I think you are missing one very important point. Men won't step up and make this change until they realise there actually is 'another way'.

    It's is clear that many men, once aware of the red pill, DO make the changes in themselves, DO self improve....they simply start 'doing'.

    But first they have become aware. I was 44 when I discovered the red pill. The me of six years ago would not recognise the me of today, the life I lead, the job I have, the free time I have, the quality and quantity of sex I enjoy with my wife as we head into our 25th year of marriage.

    Because six years ago I was fat, unfit, working myself into the ground, and enduring an effectively sexless marriage with a wife who had turned into a sister. Because this is what I (and to be fair, she) had been programmed to do. I wasn't even aware that life could be any different. All my peers seemed to be in the same place.

    Judgement of men needs to be made after they discover the red pill. If they won't or can't swallow it, leave them be - they are lost. Concentrate on those that wish to save themselves.

    But first of all make sure men know that there is another way. The ones up to the challenge will take it. Guide them where you can, but mostly, all you will need do is get out of their way.

    I never miss a chance to spread the word.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True. I did basically assume that people reading this had already imbibed a certain amount of "Truth & Change"- the good kind, not the BS that Comrade Obarmy has been selling for the last few years.

      It's is clear that many men, once aware of the red pill, DO make the changes in themselves, DO self improve....they simply start 'doing'.

      Many. Not all. There are also plenty of guys out there who get hit between the eyes with TRP and either don't do anything about it, or worse, try to turn their backs on it and go back to the old ways. This article was aimed a bit more at those who might need a swift kick on occasion to remind them what the point of the red pill was in the first place.

      I wrote it basically to serve as a reminder that we can whine and complain all we like, but if we don't do something about the problem, then all we're doing is perpetuating it.

      Delete
  2. "It keeps happening because, as Blair Naso points out, we men have let it happen. We fell asleep on the job. We see the wreckage of a once-proud and mighty culture surrounding us, but few of us have the sense to acknowledge that this disaster took place on OUR watch. WE let feminism in through the gates. WE enabled it. WE allowed the cultural Marxists, sodomites, hedonists, and slime peddlers of the Left take over every one of the institutions that matter- even the Holy Mother Church."

    Yes, otherwise known as the philosophy of "let the little woman do it".
    http://unmaskingfeminism.wordpress.com/2014/11/20/the-philosophy-of-let-the-little-woman-do-it/

    Woman's suffrage is a good example of something that never had to be but for the men in congress who made It possible. They gave credence to the rebellion and antics of women. Proving that if women just "act up" enough and keep protesting they get what they want.

    Men also let the once male only art of rhetoric be overtaken by women
    http://unmaskingfeminism.wordpress.com/2013/01/04/the-feminization-of-rhetoric/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You, sir, are going on the blogroll.

      Delete

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