Don't cut your damn hair - pageant edition

Much props to our friends at Return of Kings
So apparently there are these things called "beauty pageants" that are held every year, in which very pretty young women flounce around in bikinis and other outfits and are judged to be worthy of being called "Miss World" and "Miss Universe" and other similarly ridiculous titles.

Now normally such silliness would not attract the attention of your humble servant. Like most busy men, I view these things as little more than meat shows- I don't care how impressive the CVs of these young women are (and they are very young), and I don't care how passionately they proclaim their desire for "world peace", it's just a form of performance art, and not a particularly impressive one either.

The latest Miss Universe contest, though, caught my eye- because of the furore that erupted when Miss Jamaica was placed fifth because of her short hair:
The grandfather of the Jamaican beauty queen who lost out on the Miss Universe crown has hit out at the pageant judges for being unclear about the requirements needed to win the show. 
Michael Fennell said that Kaci was the victim of ‘unwritten factors’ and that the judges should have stated if Miss Universe needed to have long hair. 
He said: 'If short hair is a problem why didn’t they say so in the contest?' 
Mr Fennell continued: ‘In my mind she was absolutely beautiful in her short hair. 
'She was different but if the judges didn't want short hair then say so. 
'I wish I knew how these contests were judged where there are other factors that are unwritten that have to be considered'. 
He also criticised those who questioned his daughter’s claims that Jamaica’s contributions to the world are Usain Bolt and Bob Marley. 
He said: ‘Of course it’s Bob Marley and Usain Bolt...the answers of the other contestants did not answer the question’. 
It's renowned for its swimwear round, stunning dresses and a seemingly never-ending array of beautiful women. 
However, last night's Miss Universe final in Miami got hotter than ever - after Miss Colombia, Paulina Vega, 22, was controversially crowned the winner of the beauty pageant. 
Instead of the usual cheering, the audience erupted into boos of disapproval as favourite-to-win Miss Jamaica Kaci Fennell only made it to fifth place. 
Shortly after Miss Fennell, 22, left the stage in the 63rd annual contest, her name began trending on Twitter along with the hashtag #MissJamaicaShouldHaveWon. [Didact: Uh, no, she shouldn't have.]
Unlike Miss Vega, who looks every-inch the beauty queen, Miss Fennell gained a large following due to her striking beauty, confidence intelligence and unconventional style - wearing her hair in a Halle Berry-esque pixie cut instead of the traditional long pageant waves. [Didact: So she got more fans for looking... worse?]
Fans claim Miss Fennell was denied the title after she proudly called Usain Bolt, the world's fastest short-distance runner, and reggae-king Bob Marley her country's greatest contributions to the world. [Didact: Yes, I can see why stoner music is considered Jamaica's great gift to the world- considering its other chief export is, well, sugar.]
Since I am not Jamaican, and since I am not related to the so-called Miss Jamaica, I could not care less who won this contest. I do, however, care about this ridiculous notion that the judges should have clearly stated that long hair is preferable over short hair.

Is this really so difficult to understand?

I have written several times at length on the reasons why short hair is deeply unappealing. To rid a woman of her long and beautiful locks is to destroy one of her most obvious signs of health, fertility, and beauty. Is it really any surprise, then, that Miss Jamaica was judged to be inferior to... well, any of the other four top contenders?

In fact, I'm quite surprised that she made it even that high up the rankings.

Take a look at this picture, and tell me which woman is the most beautiful:

The five finalists awaiting to hear their fate at the final on Sunday. Miss Jamaica had to leave the stage after coming in fifth in the contest
L-R: Hot, WTFH?!?, Hot, REALLY Hot, Pretty Hot
 Or take a look at this one, and do the same thing:

Miss Jamaica Kaci Fennell (right) with fellow contestants (left to right) Miss Australia Tegan Martin, Miss Netherlands Yasmin Verheijen, Miss Brazil Melissa Gurgel and Miss Ukraine Diana Harkush
Come on, this CAN'T be that hard to figure out
Or this one:

Miss Fennell gained a large following due to her striking beauty, confidence, and unconventional style
Fer Chrissake, even the Australian is better looking than this chick
One more:

Caterina murino 1036
Whoops. Unrelated. But... who cares?
(Yeah, that's Solange from the 2006 reboot of Casino Royale. Her real name is Caterina Murino, and... well, look at her. That, right there, is proof positive that the Lord is truly a miracle worker. Remember what I said earlier about never missing a chance to use gorgeous models to reinforce a point?)

This truly is not difficult to understand. A woman's beauty is expressed through several physical attributes- and like it or not, a woman is judged first and foremost by her looks. I don't care how much feminist nonsense you throw at me, that is simply how it is. Men and women both judge other women by looks- to a far greater degree than men and women judge other men by the same criterion. An average-looking man who has immense physical presence and charisma will make the same kind of impression that a stunningly beautiful woman in a little black dress will- it doesn't matter if both are rocket scientists or functional retards.

Frankly, if Miss Universe had been awarded to the contestant from Jamaica, the show would have lost any remaining shreds of credibility that it might still possess. Some of the most undeniably beautiful women on Earth have been crowned through this show and have successfully launched modelling and acting careers from those awards. Miss Fennell, however, was trying to channel Halle Berry, who in addition to having rather ugly short hair, does not exactly come across as a particularly decent human being when it comes to the father of her oldest child.

Not really a great role model, in my opinion
In the end, sanity prevailed, at least this time around. The most beautiful woman won. I don't care if Miss Jamaica can juggle chainsaws while performing open-heart surgery and writing a piano concerto; if she's going to keep her hair short and ugly like that, she doesn't deserve to be crowned one of the most beautiful women in the world.


  1. Cute and all but, this contest isn't about beauty :) It's a multi-factor competition to seek out the individuality of each woman representing their country. A three year old forum, yes, but this is still a problem in most "beauty pageants". Most of these women are cookie cutter beautiful, being full of feminine qualities and traditionally well versed in topics pertaining to their country, as well as looking like Victoria's Secret Angels. But we need to realize, not every woman is going to fit a societal standard of beauty. Time is changing, my brother of Incelibacy, and no longer is a woman left to care for kids and make PB&Js for them. Miss Jamaica showed the world that you didn't need to be a big smile blondie to be recognized for both your inner beauty and outward appearance. Femininity is found within, you must have it inside to display it out, and she obviously embraced her other features to still convey the emotion of being a subjectively beautiful and well rounded woman to an international audience.


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