Just let 'em die out already

Have you ever seen a giant panda?

In the extremely unlikely event that you've been living under a rock for the last, oh, century, here's what a giant panda looks like:

Pandas are just too damn cute to let die out.
This violates several state laws concerning acceptable levels of cuteness
Look at them. Just look at them, and tell me that you don't feel your heart melting into your stomach right there.

So, now that I've got you all buttered up, I'm going to hit you over the head with a nasty dose of reality:
We should just let the giant panda die out already.
Yeah, I know, I'm a horrible evil bastard. That's okay, I've been called worse.

There are a few things that you should probably know about the giant panda before you go into full brain meltdown:

  • Pandas aren't natural vegetarians. Their digestive tract is designed to handle meat, and lots of it, just like any other bear. And those sharp pointy teeth they've got? They ain't just for decoration.
  • Those giant teddy bears up there cost a goddamn fortune to keep alive. They cost millions every year to keep alive- and they don't have any interest in breeding (more on that later).
  • They're actually not terribly bright. The average polar bear or grizzly is more intelligent- and far more badass to boot. You put a panda and a grizzly in a cage match, guess which one's going to walk out victorious? Hint: it's NOT the one with the black-and-white eye patches.
  • They're lazy bastards. All they do all day, pretty much, is chew through vast amounts of bamboo- which in nutritional terms is about as useful as paper- and sit around. And that's IT.
  • They're used as the logo for the WWF. No, not the fun one, the crazy one full of ecomentalists. I can't think of a better reason to wax an entire species than to severely piss off a bunch of jumped-up environmentalists. It would, in a very literal sense, be a case of "two birds, one stone"- just imagine how many ecomentalists would keel over from sudden aneurysms and arrhythmia once we finally do what's right and declare war on the giant panda!
I could go on (and on, and on, and on) in this vein. But I'll content myself with pointing out one very simple and very stark fact about the giant panda:
This is a species that has literally LOST THE WILL TO LIVE.
Giant pandas don't want to reproduce. They've actually lost any interest in sex and procreation. Females ovulate once a year, and it is notoriously difficult to get them to conceive.

And as for male pandas... Well, they are given "panda Viagra" and shown "panda porn" to get them "in the mood". And what do the bastards do? They sit around and keep chewing bamboo!!!

Have you ever heard of any sane man who, when given all the Viagra and porn that he could consume, decided instead to sit around at home on his ass?

This is a species that has, quite literally, given up. They're not interested in boning. They're not interested in propagating the species. They're lazy, fat, and stupid. They're an evolutionary dead end.

It is high time that we saw them for what they are: Nature's version of a giant fat clown perpetually tripping over the same banana peel. It's only funny and fun to watch up to a point, beyond which you find yourself hoping that someone will put him, and therefore you, out of his misery.

I say we let Nature do her thing, and just let the pandas die out with dignity.

And, hey, if anyone has a second-hand panda rug that he's willing to sell for cheap, look me up. Might be useful as a bath mat...


  1. I wonder if their unnatural vegetarian diet has anything to do with their lack of will to live. Feed a panda meat for only a year and see if he becomes bad ass.

    1. Yeah. I'm thinking that maybe we cure their stupidity by hanging bacon-scented air fresheners in panda cages.

      Actually, given that the brain is largely made up of fat, it's probably fair to say that adding real meat and real fat to the diets of creatures as dumb as pandas would make them both smarter and more dangerous.

      Next thing you know, you've got the panda bear cavalry!!!

      This idea is ingenious. When I come to power, it shall become law.

  2. Camels are the same way. A male camel has to be led to and made to copulate with a female. The females come into heat for only a brief period once a year and they have gestation period of 13 months. So, it would appears that certain humans are not the only species that have a k-reproductive strategy. Pandas and Camels as well. There are probably a few other species as well.

    1. Personally I'd say there's a difference between having a K-reproductive strategy, and NO strategy whatsoever.

      Humans and elephants and wolves and lions have K-reproductive strategies- by and large, they focus intensely and heavily on raising a few highly survivable and genetically valuable offspring. (Certain races and sub-ethnicities of humanity being the exceptions that prove the rule.)

      Pandas, by contrast, don't even bother. As far as I'm concerned, we might as well turn them all into living room carpets- though not doubt the little kiddies of the world would kick up the mother of all temper tantrums when they see that Po the Kung-Fu Panda is now a throw-rug...


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