Future cat lady in the making

I'm not exactly up on my pop culture references. I don't pay attention to pop music now that Billy Joel is retired*. So I'm not really sure who Katy Perry is, or why she's famous.

Oh. Right.
And normally, that would be the end of it. But when a woman staring down the barrel of 30, who is single and who has (apparently) had her heart broken numerous times by various Lotharios, goes and says something this monumentally stupid in a public forum- well, it's fun to pick that nonsense apart:
Katy Perry has had her fair share of romances and has headed down the aisle once already, but the singer says she is not going to let being single stop her from being a mother. 
The 29-year-old has revealed her 'five-year plan' and that includes the possible pitter patter of little feet. 
Starring on the cover of Rolling Stone, the singer told the music magazine that she hopes to have a baby in any way possible. 
But, the Teenage Dream star says she will not be getting pregnant for a few years yet. 
The Dark Horse star told the magazine: 'I want to be doing that in the right time and that's not in the next two years, you know? Maybe it's in a five-year plan, but I need to really be able to focus 100 percent of my attention on it.' 
Katie said she would have put her touring commitments on hold to focus on being a mother. 
'I don't really want to take the child on tour. Not until, like, birth through five is over.' [Didact: How wonderfully responsible of you, Katy! No doubt you'll be trying to avoid introducing the kid to alcohol and hard drugs until it's at least 8, right?]
While Katy is currently single - having briefly dated musician Diplo after splitting with long term boyfriend John Mayer - said she does not necessarily need to have someone of the opposite on her arm for this to happen, mentioning her friends Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka who had their children via surrogate. [Didact: Yes, because emulating homosexuals and their distinctly aberrant ways is of course the right thing to do...]
The 29-year-old said in the interview - which is on newsstands Friday: 'I don't need a dude. I mean, Neil and David, their twins are beautiful. 
'It's 2014! We are living in the future; we don't need anything. I don't think I'll have to, but we'll see. I'm not anti-men. I love men. But there is an option if someone doesn't present himself.'
So. Much. FAIL. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that there will be quite a few cats in this (not quite so) young woman's future.

Seemed appropriate given the subject matter
Let's ignore the fact that Katy Perry is a multimillionaire pop "star", with giant awesome boobs (and a face that would look decidedly less than awesome without all that makeup), and look at her as what she is: a woman who rode the Carousel, hard, and is now seeing her youth and fertility and therefore her entire biological function in life slipping away before her eyes.

Whether she likes it or not, this young woman is going to hit the Wall. Judging by her lifestyle and choices, she's going to hit it hard. And that will be a real tragedy- it always is. When she hits that wall, it doesn't matter how far medical technology has advanced, or how easily she can pay for a surrogate to carry a child for her. The fact remains that she will have let her prime years of fertility disappear. Her major currency- her youth and beauty and femininity- will have been wasted on hedonistic pursuits of fame and fortune.

She will be left with nothing but bad choices and regrets, because she insisted on dating, and banging, men like John Mayer and Russell Brand, who had neither interest in nor capacity for monogamy and commitment. Again, those were her choices, and she has to live with them.

Now it's fair enough that she would want to have a child. Most, if not all, women want to as they get to the age of 30 and beyond- after all, that is their entire biological reason for existing. It is practically hard-coded into a woman's genetics to want to be a mother- that is why the phrase "baby rabies" exists and has meaning. But reading her words above, I am reminded quite strongly of a recent episode of Tim Allen's hilarious comedy, Last Man Standing, called "April Come She Will".

In that episode, Mike Baxter's sister-in-law comes visiting and drops a bombshell on his family by announcing that she wants to have a baby- at the age of 40, after a lifetime of irresponsibility, partying, and mooching off her in-laws for monetary support. Mike and his wife, understandably, want nothing to do with it and refuse to support April's crazy scheme. Mike publishes a vlog in which he calls for a "background check" for aspiring parents- where applicants have to pass some not-particularly-difficult hurdles.

For instance- "are you a skanky dingbat who's never been able to hold down a job or a relationship?" In that case, you certainly aren't fit to be a parent. Parenting, after all, entails something called responsibility.

I wish I could find a clip that wasn't behind a paywall from that particular episode- it would explain everything wrong with Ms. Perry's "reasoning" far better than I ever could.

And if the best that Ms. Perry can do to claim to be responsible is to argue that she won't take her future child on tour until it's at least 5 or so, well, I'd say that she would automatically fail that background check.

I remember what my sister was like at 5 years old. She was a little terror who couldn't be left alone because she was so damn hyper. She turned out all right, to be sure- but she had a LOT of attention as a kid and she always had a loving and nurturing environment around her.

The life of a touring pop star is not loving or nurturing. A single mother who insists on taking her child along on tour is not someone with the best interests of that child in mind.

Then there's that nonsense about using a surrogate "just because" gay couples can do the same. Quite aside from the many, many problems associated with children being raised by same-sex couples, there is something extremely distasteful about listening to a woman with that kind of clout among impressionable (read: stupid) young people arguing implicitly that copying the deviant behaviour of homosexuals is somehow Right and Justified.

The simple lesson for young women everywhere is simple: DON'T BE KATY PERRY.

The (only slightly) longer version of it is: find a good man, be faithful to him, get married young, have children young, and DON'T BE KATY PERRY.

* I grew up playing "We Didn't Start the Fire" on continuous loop for hours. Now that was a great pop song.

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