Blitzkrieg

They can't look: Internet virals were all the rage and, understandably, lots focused on Christ the Redeemer
Jesus Double Facepalm:
That is how badly you FAIL
"Lightning war" is quite simply the only way to describe what Germany did to Brazil yesterday.

Now normally I could not give a toss about this odd sport named "football"- something that you Americans, and the Australians too, refer to incorrectly as "soccer"*. Yesterday, however, was simply too good to pass up. We were looking to head out of work a little early to have a drink when one of my colleagues looked over at the score for the World Cup semi between Germany and Brazil and stunned us all with the pronouncement that Germany was up five goals to nothing in the first half.

None of us could believe it. It was like being cold-cocked by a midget.

So eventually I got my lazy carcass into the gym and, of course, the replays were showing all over the screens. I watched as Brazil attacked, repeatedly, and found itself completely stymied by an impenetrable German defence- and then I watched as Germany coldly, systematically, and ruthlessly destroyed their opposition. It was a demolition job unlike anything I've ever seen.

And every time Germany scored a goal, I just started laughing hysterically as I watched the reactions of the Brazilian fans. It got to the point where I actually had a tough time completing my squat sets, just because I was laughing so hard.

The funniest part of the entire game? Well that would be when, in an inspired fit of twisted brilliance, certain characters with a decidedly dark sense of humour decided to start posting highlights (lowlights?) of the game to a porn site:
Poor Brazil. It just can’t seem to catch a break after spectacularly losing to Germany in a 7-1 rout Tuesday. 
Now users of the pornography streaming site Pornhub are posting the entire match on the site under the title “Young Brazilians get fucked by entire German Soccer Team” (note: I don’t recommend searching for this). [Didact: If you do something this stupid, please don't tell me about it, I don't want to know.]
Photo Credit: Screenshot/Pornhub
The posts were so popular the spokeswoman for the site Pornhub Katie asked for an end to the shenanigans.
And this was the porn site's response via a representative:
Please stop uploading the game highlights to Pornhub... Our public humiliation category is full.
The final score of 7-1 doesn't even begin to describe the level of humiliation suffered by the Brazilians yesterday. What we saw was not a football match. It was a demolition derby.

Which, in all honesty, is probably why it was so much more interesting than a football match.

*This tendency to name things incorrectly is not surprising. After all, the Brits basically exported a bunch of convicts to Australia- which is essentially just full of spiders and snakes and stingrays and jellyfish and other assorted Lovecraftian horrors- and the God squad to America. It stands to reason that they would deviate from speaking the Queen's English after a while.

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