Take it out back and shoot it

Can we PLEASE all stop pretending that the next STAR WARS film is a good idea?
Following months of rumor-laden, highly anticipated speculation, “Star Wars: Episode VII” director J.J. Abrams and Lucasfilm have finally announced the cast for first installment of the third trilogy in the sci-fi blockbuster franchise. 
Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford will all be reprising their roles from the original trilogy as Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa and Han Solo. Also among the returning cast members are Peter Mayhew, Anthony Daniels and Kenny Baker as Chewbacca, C-3PO and R2-D2. 
Newcomers to the Star Wars universe include Andy Serkis of “Lord of the Rings” fame and legendary Swedish actor Max von Sydow. 
“We are so excited to finally share the cast of Star Wars: Episode VII. It is both thrilling and surreal to watch the beloved original cast and these brilliant new performers come together to bring this world to life, once again,” Abrams said in a Tuesday statement. “We start shooting in a couple of weeks, and everyone is doing their best to make the fans proud.” 
The full list of announced actors is as follows:
  • Mark Hamill — “Luke Skywalker”
  • Carrie Fisher — “Princess Leia”
  • Harrison Ford — “Han Solo”
  • Peter Mayhew — “Chewbacca”
  • Anthony Daniels — “C-3PO”
  • Kenny Baker — “R2-D2″
  • Adam Driver — Girls
  • John Boyega — Attack the Block
  • Daisy Ridley — Toast of London
  • Oscar Isaac — Inside Llewyn Davis
  • Andy Serkis — The Lord of the Rings
  • Domhnall Gleeson — About Time
  • Max Von Sydow — The Exorcist

“Star Wars: Episode VII” is scheduled to debut in theaters Dec. 18, 2015.
I used to be THE biggest STAR WARS nerd you have ever seen. I collected the novels, read obsessively over tech specs for imaginary vehicles, and even started up a "Star Wars club" in middle school. We ran around calling each other by military ranks pretending that we were X-wing pilots flying into battle against entire fleets of Star Destroyers. I loved the original trilogy, and went through a decade of severe cognitive dissonance trying to persuade myself to like the second trilogy.

It took me nearly 15 years, but eventually I wised up to the fact that the entire STAR WARS universe simply does not make any damn sense. At all. And it's getting worse every time they release any new Expaned Universe storyline or product.

Today, the only way I can watch "STAR WARS Episode I: The Phantom Menace" (or as my sister and I call it, "The Phantom Headcase") is when I'm paralysed with drink. The only way I can force myself to watch "STAR WARS Episode II: Attack of the Clones" (stupidest name ever- we call it "Attack of the Groans", and not just because the plot is beyond retarded) is after smashing my head into a concrete barrier, repeatedly, in order to destroy any possible sense of self-preservation. The third movie is actually pretty decent- but only when that lump of wood that goes by the name of Hayden Christensen gets his ass handed to him by Ewan MacGregor's Obi-Wan. (And can I just say that Ewan MacGregor is far too good an actor to have been wasted on the pile of steaming guano that was the second trilogy. So too was Liam Neeson, for that matter.)

So take it from someone who went through that entire fanboy roller coaster: another STAR WARS movie, especially one starring the original cast, is beyond retarded. We don't need one to come along and destroy our happy memories of the original trilogy. Please, please, just stop it.

Need to know why I say this? It is going to be too easy to show.

This is what Carrie Fisher looked like in "Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi" (I told you it would be too easy!):

The Schwarz is strong with this one...
And this is what Carrie Fisher looks like these days- although given the way her weight yo-yos up and down, it's difficult to find a picture that will be up-to-date for more than, say, three weeks:

I felt a great disturbance in the Force,
as if a thousand boners suddenly cried out in terror,
and were suddenly silenced...
The actors in this movie will be in their 60s and 70s. Can't we just accept that the original trilogy was a work of genius and just leave it the hell alone??? PLEASE?! I've had as much as I can stand of George Lucas's gazillion-dollar evil empire destroying the very universe that he created every time the man decides to revisit, and revise, some minor stupid detail in his movies.

Note: I am so very sorry for the fact that I inflicted that picture of Carrie Fisher upon you, dear reader. It was borderline inhumane. To make up for it, here are 9 pictures of ridiculously hot Asian girls as a palate-cleanser. Starting with the most stunning (presumably non-ladyboy) woman from Thailand that you'll probably ever see:

I imagine that makes up for it. May the Force be with you.


Popular Posts