Play to your introverted strengths

Halfbreed's one of the most interesting characters I've come across in my readings thus far. His blog is an oddball combination of travel stories, funny sex stories, and great game advice for quiet bookish guys. His latest post is very much in the latter category, and discusses specifically how an introverted guy can go about dealing with an extroverted woman in his life. Here, in my opinion, are the best bits:
3) Educate Her

Many extroverted women simply don’t get it. You should assume she doesn’t understand introversion, at all. Many extroverts simply can’t fathom introversion. Her life is a whirlwind of fun, events, and activities. Spending time alone is utterly alien to her. And actually enjoying solitude? Fuggedaboutit! So, many extroverted girls will take it very personally when you show little enthusiasm for going in public with her or her people. 

Educate her on [sic] your ways early on. Explain that you’re neither shy nor socially retarded. You’ve already successfully seduced her, she knows that you DO have strong social skills. It’s not that you can’t, it’s that you don’t want to. You simply feel drained of energy after dealing with groups of people. Tell her you’d rather focus on her one-on-one, and give her your full energy, love, and attention. Without being distracted by others. 
4) Cultivate Me Time

Once she understands your personality, you can use that in ways that benefit you. Use introversion as a consistent reason to avoid meeting her friends and family. Introversion is also a good reason to avoid going out in public with her too often, and spending too much money on her. As an introvert, you need alone time. This is important, so you can re-charge and keep your relationships healthy. Use introversion as reason for spending time alone. Of course, seeing a woman no more than one or two times a week is standard harem management advice. And finally, you can use your introverted personality as a reason for not hanging out with her every day. That gives you time to focus on more important goals. Introversion can also be used to explain lack of communication because “You need your space.” 
6) Keep Gaming

Introversion is no excuse for weak game. As an introvert, it’s easy to hide away from the world. And once you are getting regular sex, it can be super easy to justify taking a break from game. Short breaks are OK, in my experience. But you still need to keep your game tight, keep practicing. Online game, day game, whatever. Just keep sharp, never rest on your laurels. It doesn’t matter how loyal you think she is, how much she loves you, or how much you love her. You can bet your ass that your bubbly, extroverted girlfriend has other options besides you. Believe that. You’ve got to make sure you have options, and keep spinning plates.
(I actually owe Halfbreed an apology- I promised him a review of his new e-book a while back, which I still haven't gotten around to. If you're reading this, mate, mea culpa, it's on my list of stuff to get done over the next 2 weeks once I get back home from where I am right now, and should be up shortly.)

The points that Halfbreed raises here are completely correct. Introverts, particularly deep introverts like him and me, simply cannot operate using the same game style that extroverts can. It's literally a question of internal programming; introverts and extroverts are wired so differently that running always-on extrovert-style game will result in rapid burnout. Introverted game works best in calm, quiet environments that give us a form of home-field advantage that extroverts have a hard time matching.

The point about education is solid. Literally no extrovert I've ever met is capable of comprehending how an introvert thinks or acts. Introverts understand extroverted needs for companionship and stimulation very well- and we understand our own desires for solitude and silence even better. Educating your woman about the necessity of "alone time" will be vital both for your well-being and hers; I know I've turned off several women with whom I have had otherwise solid interactions by simply shutting down without warning, and because they didn't know why, they got offended or annoyed. You don't need to be apologetic about it- indeed there is no cause to be apologetic at all. You just need to make it clear that there are certain boundaries in your life that must be respected if she expects to have any kind of relationship with you.

The flip side to this, of course, is that, as Halfbreed points out, introversion is not an excuse. So you don't feel like going out tonight and meeting someone new- fine, maybe do it tomorrow when you're rested and fresh. That's an acceptable alternative once or twice when establishing a new relationship. But you're not going to go anywhere if you keep delaying things and refuse to go out at all. At some point every deep introvert who desires sex, companionship, and possibly even love is going to have to man up and say, "I'm going to make this happen". It's very easy to get caught in the trap of saying, "screw this, it's Saturday night, it's snowing outside, and I've got  another dozen mini-missions to get through in Batman: Arkham Origins right now", but if you keep making that excuse, you'll end up with zero game skills and zero results.

The best way to get out of that trap is to do what these guys recommend: set a simple, repetitive goal, and stick to it. Really trivial example from a couple of weeks back: my Krav Maga school had a holiday party which had been planned for months. Now, I know for sure that on a Saturday evening, the last thing that I want to do is go to a crowded, loud venue full of people that I don't know to socialise- especially considering that I'd been out until 2am the Monday of that same week at an ALESTORM concert and was in no mood to handle another packed loud venue for long. I'm still trying to recover from the burden of social interaction during the week, after all. But, I just told myself that I'd go for a couple of hours, meet a few people that I know from my classes, and then go home. So I went to the party and actually had a pretty decent time- I met a couple of guys that I train with regularly, spoke with them about some interesting stuff, and then when the band started playing and peeling the paint off the walls with a (bad) cover of K. T. Tunstall's "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree", I got the hell out. Net result: two hours of social interaction, one drink, a few cute girls in nice outfits to see and talk to, and a generally pleasant evening, topped off with a quiet glass of wine at home and a good book.

The same applies to your efforts in the game. Set a simple small goal, stick to it, and build on your experiences from there. If you think you're going to jump straight from your opener to sex in your first attempt, you're smoking something so strong that even the Dutch won't legalise it. But if you build up your experience through a long-term plan of multiple openers, multiple first dates, and eventually, multiple women in your schedule- or just one, if you want clear monogamy- then you'll achieve better and easier results than the extroverted PUA who's getting shot down ten times at the bar before landing a number.

Find yourself a system, stick to it, and build your experience as you level up.


  1. Hey man,

    Thank you for the linkage.

    It's funny how many people assume that introverts are shy. We're not shy. We just don't like you. LOL.

    And no worries on the review, talk soon.

    1. It's funny how many people assume that introverts are shy. We're not shy. We just don't like you. LOL.

      So true. The introverts I know are all perfectly capable of being quite chatty, when they want to be. It's just that most of the time, we can't be bothered- we're too busy planning to take over the world. Or reading a book. Or doing other stuff that is of interest and importance to us.

  2. Good advice. I am highly introverted and the real problem I have at the moment is finding the energy to socialize outside of work. My job involves too much interaction and after work I just need to get away. I definitely need to find another job but it seems like all workplaces these days involve too much interaction.

    1. I have the same problem. There are a few things that I've found to be helpful:

      1. Socialise AFTER spending an hour or two doing something that requires physical exertion but not much talking- weightlifting or martial arts, for instance. This boosts your endorphin, dopamine, and testosterone production, which allows you to be both more relaxed and more confident in public.

      2. Set clear limits for the amount of time that you'll spend socialising. I find myself running on empty after an hour or two of interaction, so I'll generally take a break or even leave after that point. The disadvantage to this method is that you tend to get locked into a "watch-the-clock" mindset, which can damage your results.

      3. ALWAYS choose a venue that you're comfortable with. It's not easy to find a quiet watering hole in a big city, but in the satellite communities and suburbs they are much more common. I also recommend gourmet coffee shops (i.e. ones that DON'T play bad jazz and pop, like Starbucks). The key for an introvert is to socialise in an environment with minimal external distraction.

  3. Great post. It's not a coincidence that I describe myself as hiding in a box - it's a retreat from the world where one needs to recharge.

    It's hard to be an introvert or even a follower in this Kali age when extroversion and "leadership" is all that's pushed.


Post a comment

Contact the Didact:

Popular Posts