The Didact's Manifesto

We were having a bit of fun the other day at work during our end-of-day runs, skimming around politics for a little while as things chugged along, when somehow the conversation got around to what I would do if I were "put in charge of things". I didn't get much of a chance to respond at length, though, other than pointing out that if you put an INTJ like me in charge of things, things would actually be vastly more efficient and simple. Finding solutions to complex problems is, after all, what INTJs do.

So with tongue planted firmly in cheek, here is what you can expect if you make the Didact the Emperor of Mankind:
  • Every single Act of Congress passed since 1913 will be repealed. All of them. Best to tear it all down and start over, in my opinion. And then I shall break for lunch and take a nap.
  • The Federal Reserve will be banned, starting tomorrow; the buildings of each of the Federal Reserve Banks will be razed to the ground and the land will be sowed with salt. (I'd just like to make it clear that the statue of George Washington on Wall St. in New York will not be touched, under any circumstances.)
  • The entire edifice of feminism will crumble before my righteous wrath; I shall not rest until the last copy of The Feminine Mystique from the last branch of Planned Parenthood is cast down upon the last social worker. Unless of course this interferes with my nap, in which case it can wait until the next day.
  • I have never smoked weed, or tobacco, or taken any form of mind-altering substance other than (copious quantities of) alcohol, once in my entire life. But hey, if you want to do that stuff, and kill your brain cells, that's your problem. (This is just a long way of saying that WEED WILL BE LEGAL.)
  • You want to own a gun? Your bloody business and none of mine, or anyone else's.
  • Any and all forms of social welfare at the Federal level will be BANNED, forever.
  • All income taxes will henceforth be banned.
  • Under no circumstances shall any political body at the Federal level raise taxes of any kind for any form of internal improvements; leave that to the States where it bloody well belongs.
  • All troops stationed overseas will be recalled home. The standing army shall be greatly reduced in size and its sole purpose will be to defend this nation's southern border against incursions by hostile foreign invaders- with orders to shoot to kill. You break the law, we break you. Fair?
  • NO subsidies of any kind. For anyone. NO EXCEPTIONS. You can't figure out how to make a profit without government propping your ass up? Your bloody problem.
  • All aides to the aforementioned God-Emperor will be female, and must have body measurements of 34-23-33 with a minimum height of 160cm. Brunettes preferred. They will be named the Sisters of Silence and they will kick ass. Oh, and they won't be allowed to speak, ever. (You see the brilliance of this?)
  • There will be weekly HALO tournaments in the office. Anyone who camps will be smacked upside the head with my mighty banhammer. (No, that is not a reference to anything vulgar, get your head out of the gutter, you dirty pervert.)
  • "Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms" will become a convenience store, if anyone wants to set it up, NOT a government agency.
  • Vegetarianism will henceforth be treated as a mental problem and treated as such with generous helpings of steak, pata negra, bourbon-soaked ribs, and bloody-rare cheeseburgers.
  • Veganism will be treated as an advanced form of insanity. So will environmentalism, feminism, and especially socialism.
  • Marry whoever and whatever you like, provided you can find a religious institution that is willing to put up with your lunacy. Just don't expect the rest of us to take you seriously when you marry your dog. Or yourself.
  • The metric system will be instituted whether you like it or not.
  • While we're at it- American will no longer be considered a language. The Queen's English will henceforth be the language of the land. The Oxford English Dictionary will be the one and only source of official spelling. And if you can't speak English when you get here- the border's thataway, now GTFO!
  • Everyone will leave everyone else the hell ALONE to live their lives in peace. ESPECIALLY ME. I NEED my sleep, dammit. You needy bastards.
As you can see, I would therefore be the greatest leader the world has ever known, primarily because I would base my entire regime upon one single central belief: you are sovereign over yourself and you alone are responsible for your life, liberty, and happiness.

OK, time to get serious. What would any conscientious libertarian do if handed the key to ultimate power? It's a complex question with a really simple answer: RESIGN IMMEDIATELY.

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