I Believe...


  • ... that it makes no sense that a dog can eat your mother's meat loaf, as well as its own poop, and feel fine, and yet will keel over and die if you feed it a chocolate bar
  • ... that the idea that chocolate kills dogs is a malicious rumour started by cats
  • ... that an armed society is a polite society
  • ... that nothing reinforces politeness and civic duty quite as effectively as the barrel of a loaded shotgun, with perhaps the exception of a 9MM
  • ... that the best possible home protection program available to you today comes to you courtesy of Smith & Wesson (or Colt, Luger, Sig Sauer, or any of a hundred different arms manufacturers)
  • ... that "self-defence" is simply a euphemism for "learning how to hurt people"
  • ... that "he needed killin'" is very probably a valid legal defence in certain parts of the Deep South
  • ... that the only appropriate penalty for curling in the squat rack is for someone to throw you out of the gym and onto the concrete, face-first
  • ... that inexperience is temporary- it can always be beaten out of you
  • ... that stupidity is pretty much permanent- there is no cure for certain kinds of stupid
  • ... that the epic douchenozzles who do half-squats at the gym are living, breathing proof that the gene pool desperately needs a permanently on-duty lifeguard
  • ... that there is such a thing as terminal stupidity- it's called "feminism" (or "socialism", depending on which particular avatar of stupidity you're dealing with at any given time)
  • ... that pain is merely weakness leaving the body (and sometimes the soul goes along for the ride)
  • ... that women were deliberately engineered to make no damn sense whatsoever, otherwise they'd come with on-off switches and a self-repair kit that wouldn't require multiple shopping trips for spare parts and lube
  • ... that it IS possible to discover the Manual of Operations for women, it's just that most blokes can't be bothered to RTFM
  • ... that a woman who marries a man hoping that he'll change, is incurably stupid
  • ... that a man who marries a woman hoping that she won't change, is terminally stupid
  • ... that any man who does not know how to use at least one kind of weapon with reasonable proficiency, is a deadweight loss to society
  • ... that blowing the heads off of cute innocent woodland creatures, gutting them, skinning them, and eating them or mounting their heads in your living room, is a perfectly acceptable pastime
  • ... that golf is not
  • ... that modern American liberty is the perfect demonstration of how inflation works- the price keeps going up, yet the quality keeps going down
  • ... that Congress exists to protect the status quo long after the quo has lost its status
  • ... that HALO is the greatest FPS series of all time, and anyone who disagrees needs to be hit with a Gravity Hammer upside the head
  • ... that Top Gear (the original British version, thank you very much) is the greatest television show of all time, and anyone who disagrees has no sense of humour, or is a giant vagina
  • ... that Roger Federer is, quite simply, The Man
  • ... that every man should know how to drive stick
  • ... that the jacked guys who walk into the gym with 17-inch biceps with toothpicks for legs, are not necessarily the people you want to be emulating
  • ... that girls who train and powerlift properly are waaaaaay hotter than the annoying chubby cardio bunnies that clog up the place
  • ... that girls who lecture guys on how to squat almost never know what they're talking about
  • ... that the Smith Machine is a Commie plot designed by the evil masterminds of places like Planet Princess to systematically destroy people's backs, shoulders, and knees
  • ... that comparing feminists to Nazis is actually a bit of an insult to the National Socialist Worker's Party of Germany; feminists have proven to be far more lethal
  • ... that it is every parent's civic duty and obligation to raise strong and upstanding young men, and nurturing and feminine young women
  • ... that teaching your kids how to hunt, how to shoot, how to fish, and how to enjoy the outdoors is going to be vastly more valuable and influential than anything that they will ever learn in school
  • ... that roughly 80-90% of what you learn in school is wrong anyway, so why bother?
  • ... that you'll gain a far better education from reading the works of men thousands of years dead than you will from paying exorbitant amounts of money to go to university
  • ... that hipsters are a sign that the Lord probably has it in for us at some point
  • ... that the existence of Australian wine, single-malt Scotch, and Polish women is incontrovertible proof that God exists, and that He loves us very much
  • ... that some things about Japan are so damn weird, even the Japanese don't understand them
  • ... that calling Communism a "mistake" is a bit like calling an intentional rape a "first date"
  • ... that Communists are proof positive that no matter how idiot-proof you make something, the world will always come up with a better class of idiot
  • ... that liberals are more interested in feeling good than in doing good
  • ... that conservatives are just liberals that got punched in the head by reality a few too many times
  • ... that a lot of libertarians are really just in it for the free weed (just kindly smoke it downwind from me)
  • ... that vegetarians are God's way of telling us that evolution doesn't always lead to better outcomes
  • ... that Vegans are God's way of telling us that eating that apple really wasn't a good idea
  • ... that a real man produces something of real value for society, f***s like a beast, and is not afraid of what others think of him
  • ... that meeting 72 houris (doe-eyed female beauties, virgins, etc.) in Paradise sounds like a hell of a lot of work in exchange for going boom
  • ... that HEAVY METAL IS THE LAW!
  • ... that IRON MAIDEN is the greatest band of all time, and anyone who disagrees can kindly turn around and head for the exits, because it's time to play some old-school MAIDEN at MAX VOLUME!

Comments

  1. I adopted one of my father's sayings as the family motto: The hard way is the easy way. Every time I would want to take the short-cut when growing up I would hear the saying. I am only now knowing what it means.

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    Replies
    1. Your dad sounds like he was taught by the same hardass that my dad was. He always told me something similar while I was growing up- basically, "there are no shortcuts". The lesson stuck, mostly.

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