The Deep Introvert's Burden

Here at DR I've posted before on the nature of the game for a deep introvert. I do this both as a way to help others find their way into the game and to build my own game, such as it is. It never ceases to amaze me just how poorly understood introverts tend to be- and how poorly they often understand themselves, which is why they often see far poorer results than they should.

To me, game isn't (just) about picking up women- that is a small part of a much larger set of rules and ideas. Game might as well be considered a program of self-improvement, because it is about reaching an intuitive understanding of one's strengths and weaknesses in order that one might enhance the former and mitigate the latter. Game is a tool that allows an introvert to short-circuit the daily struggle that is the reality of our existence- and make no mistake, the life of a deep introvert in modern society is a constant, endless, exhausting struggle. This is a truth that is not well understood even by other introverts who are more socially adept than the deepest of deep introverts, like me and my fellow INTJs. The world around us, at least in this country, is designed almost by default to recognise and reward those who self-advertise, those who speak loudly, those who seek attention. It is most assuredly not designed to  reward those who seek nothing more than to be left in peace to live as they see fit.

A deep introvert has few choices; only one of them is particularly palatable:

  1. Become something he is not in the (vain) hope of being left alone, and thereby give up everything that he most likes and values about himself;
  2. Retreat entirely from society into a kingdom of the mind, which means cutting himself off from everything and everyone that matters to him;
  3. Embark on projects of self-improvement through game, martial arts, firearms training- you name it, just do it. Remember that your mission has to come first.
If you are a deep introvert, the fact is that no matter where you stand, no matter what you do, no matter where you go, you are and will always be alone. You are apart from everyone else, and nothing will ever change this. Because you seek solitude and silence, you will be singled out as "defective" pretty much the moment you walk into a room. Even if you are ambitious and talented, you will often find your talents and energies being wasted on nonsense by those who possess less than a tenth of your skills. No doubt you often find yourself wishing that you could be more outgoing, that you could easily open up to others and dominate conversations through sheer volume rather than through the power of your ideas- but every time you try to change, you realise that changing means giving up the very things that make you who you are. It means giving up the very things that you like and appreciate most about yourself. And in the end, that choice becomes simply unpalatable.

If you are a male deep introvert, the challenges of social life can often range from severe to insurmountable. Women, in particular, will treat you with an almost casual cruelty- and they'll do it unknowingly too, which makes it both funnier and more painful. Here's a personal example: recently I was supposed to meet with my former protege for a drink, but I wasn't exactly surprised when she sent me a long text message saying that she was "gonna have to bail" due to work commitments and would see us (me and my team) the following week for a drink. My response was terse even by my standards- literally "too bad, see you later". Fast forward to a few days ago when I arrived late at said event, saw her out of the corner of my eye, left to hit the head, came back, and discovered she'd just left. Not one word exchanged, not even so much as "hello". My reaction: "her loss, now does this place serve a decent Merlot?" Thing is, the kid is actually very feminine and very enjoyable to be around; but, flakiness must never be tolerated, and no self-aware man should ever allow flaking to shake him.

By the way, flakiness is neither surprising nor wrong. It is the way women are, and there is no point getting angry or frustrated about it. Every deep introvert male, ever, has had to endure this, often multiple times from multiple women. It just isn't worth getting worked up about it. It does not matter that I trained her personally to be the best at her job, and nor should it. Your choices as a deep introvert are to sulk over the implied rejection, or to get on with life and to develop the personality tools to minimise the impact and damage of flaking. It isn't difficult to figure out which one I chose.

If you are a female deep introvert, well, my sympathies. After nearly 30 years of travel, writing, and meeting people (when I can be bothered), I can claim to know maybe three female INTJs, in any capacity. One is my former manager at my very first corporate job from nearly 10 years ago. One is this lady. And one is RedPillWifey, whose blog posts on being penetrated (heh) by red pill wisdom have done much to restore my often-minimal faith in the female half of our species. Unfortunately, ladies, life on your own doesn't get any easier than it does for us blokes. In some ways, it's even more difficult. Society from your parents onwards expects you to behave a certain way as women, and part of that behaviour, at least for Americans, means being the sweet and charming ray of sunshine that is the feminine ideal. If you are lucky, you will find a partner early on who will make your solitude easier to bear. If you are not lucky, like my former manager, you will probably get married late in life and for reasons that are... shall we say, perhaps not the best. Paradoxically, your natural inclinations to keep to yourself and live in your own head are what attract introverted males very strongly- but they also keep us from finding you, and vice versa. It's the classic introvert's dilemma, and there is not much you can do about it.

Since I write from a male perspective, I can only give male advice on how to deal with the solitude and the isolation that comes from being a deep introvert. If you get stuck for too long in isolation, you come to understand almost nothing else. The result is a never-ending cycle of silence and solitude, more even than a deep introvert needs or can bear. My advice on the subject is not going to be to make yourself more extroverted. That's just plain silly because it would be like forcing Microsoft software- slow, bloated, conformist, mass-marketed, standardised, inflexible, monolithic- to run on hardware optimised for Linux- fast, independent, adaptable, flexible, endlessly customisable- and you'll inevitably run into a massive conflict between the desires of your introverted nature and the demands of an extroverted society.

I've written before on the importance of mission to any man who wishes to better himself. This means finding something that you want to do, and then just doing it. No excuses, no regrets. Sure, you might fail; well, so what? You'll learn from it and move on. And as with everything else, the only way to accomplish your mission is constant practice. It doesn't matter whether you're talking about weightlifting, martial arts, driving, pistol shooting, or approaching women. Put it this way- when I first started powerlifting, I had absolutely no idea what the hell I was doing. I could not imagine squatting 315lbs. Fast forward to nearly 2 years later, and you could wake me up in the middle of the night, point me to a power rack, and I'd still be able to squat with decent form. It's all muscle memory now. So will it be with any endeavour to which a strong man truly dedicates himself. That's the reason why Roosh, for instance, is the best at what he does- constant, endless, tireless practice. If that is what you are aiming to become, then take that advice to heart, and apply it. You have only your weaknesses to lose, and mastery to gain.


  1. I think being a male introvert is much worse because females can smile quietly & the worst that is thought of them is that they are stuck up, but men are supposed to conquer the world.

    Finding the manosphere was a relief to me because I quit forcing myself to converse with strangers. It makes me cringe to think back when I tried so hard to have a bubbly personality!

    My husband, another INTJ, went the opposite route; he finally realized that as the elder alpha (sigma?) the younger guys looked to him to start the conversations. He is actively trying to be more social & I think he is enjoying his interactions.

    1. Hey tempest, welcome back.

      For average-looking female introverts, I would agree, it's harder for males of equivalent sex rank to be introverts. For really pretty female introverts- and I've met maybe two in my entire life, if that- it's got to be worse for them. There are certain social expectations built into being a beautiful woman. Being an introverted beautiful woman has to be a difficult burden to bear.

      My husband, another INTJ, went the opposite route; he finally realized that as the elder alpha (sigma?) the younger guys looked to him to start the conversations. He is actively trying to be more social & I think he is enjoying his interactions.

      I've found something similar when I go out with my introverted colleagues. With them I am the unquestioned leader both at the office and at the pub, but in the presence of a more extroverted person I'll happily fade into the background. It takes a certain gravitas and authority to reach the level of a Sigma among one's peers, but that comes naturally to INTJs over time if we are given positions of responsibility and power.

  2. Good article.

    Being a fellow INTJ I am stuck on (2) and trying to transition into (3).

    Can I get your thoughts on something? Just say that you have been weight training for a while, doing some martial arts/other interesting bobbie, and progressing solidly in your career/study. How do you overcome the social barriers of being stuck on (2)?

    I just struggle when trying to convert small talk (when I try to converse in it) to having a deeper connection/friendship.


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